Thursday, October 20, 2005
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
In 1988 there was: Halloween 4, Friday the 13th 7, Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Hellraiser 2, Phantasm 2 and Child's Play. Good year for horror? Or horrible?
For the three big Slashers, it was the start of the decline. Jason himself is in his element in this one, he's basically ramped up to killing zombie. He doesn't eat anyone, but his clothes are in tatters, his bones are showing, and he still has a big chain hanging around his neck. He looks great, in other words, and they're still smart enough to make sure the killings have some personality. This is by far my favorite of his maskless faces, and they show a lot more of it than usual, managing these great "ooh, you!" expressions.
BUT, this is Jason vs. Carrie, so most of this movie will be spent watching a poofy blonde troubled teen (second movie in a row for me tonight), this time struggling with her frightening powers and her loathsome shrink. Seems Tina got mad at daddy as a little girl and used her freaky powers to shake the dock apart, sending him plummeting into Crystal Lake. Never mind that he could have easily survived if he just jumped into the lake, out from under the covered dock's roof. Returning as a teen at the behest of her reptilian doctor, she stands on the dock and tries to make Daddy come alive, but instead wakes up...well, you know. We're reminded of Jason's current whereabouts through a generous helping of old footage. We're also reminded of Tina's dad's fate in a flashback fifteen minutes after we saw it the first time.
Of all this hackery, worst of all is Dr. Jerkface, who has a secret agenda, surprise surprise. I know I'm not meant to like him, but his ideas and jargon were such counterintuitive hooey I just couldn't stand the idea of anyone taking him seriously. And why the hell isn't Crystal Lake a toxic landfill by now? How many murderous rampages does it take to affect the property values?
It isn't even until the last fifteen minutes that we finally get to see mind vs. machete. It's okay I guess, until the very end, when Tina uses her powers to pull her father, just slightly muddy after all these years, up through the dock to take the big guy down. Why couldn't she do that the first time?
So, how many audience members thought that was cool? That's right, none. Because the only people who would've liked that were home at the time, playing with their toy unicorns.