Splinter

(2008)***



Annoying couple Seth and Polly set out to go camping in the middle-of-nowhere backwoods of the American heartland. After accidentally tearing their tent, the bickering duo packs up to find a motel. On route they are hijacked by a gun-brandishing fugitive and his strung-out girlfriend, Lacey, who want Seth and Polly to drive them to Mexico. Pulling into a remote gas station the 4 are immediately ambushed by the twisted, contorted remains of a gas station attendant, who was himself attacked and infected hours earlier by an unknown assailant. The film’s title refers to a parasite that infects its victims by shooting porcupine-like quivers into them. Once infected the victims are quickly reduced to lumpy, slithering, growling masses that move at lightning speed. After Lacey is killed (thank god), Seth and Polly must form an uneasy alliance with their captor as they try to survive in the gas station’s convenience store, where most of the action takes place.



With echoes of The Mist, The Thing, and even a touch of Evil Dead II, I was pleasantly surprised with the tightly constructed, fast-paced story. The convenience store setting induces a sense of claustrophobia while providing the protagonists with an endless array of items to fight the threat with including firecrackers, lighter fluid, and even bags of ice. The film is incredibly gory and graphic and the action rarely lets up. Although the true nature of the threat is never explained, you won’t end up caring given the non-stop gross-outs.


Seth is a biology major and therefore unhelpful

The film is not without its faults and my biggest complaint is that all the characters are unlikable. Seth is a wuss who quickly establishes that he’s absolutely useless for most things in life. If you want someone to set up a tent, drive a stick-shift, or change a tire, don’t bother asking Seth. Polly is the exact opposite, a Rambo-like take-no-prisoners know-it-all who is dating Seth for no discernible reason except to perhaps mask a lesbian proclivity. The other two are even more annoying and not worth mentioning. The film also commits one of my greatest movie pet peeves, it provides Seth and Polly far too many missed opportunities to escape their kidnappers early in the film. More than once I yelled at my television and Whirlygirl laughed at me.


The DVD comes with one of the most unique extras I’ve ever encountered, a “How to make your own Splinter Jack 'O Lantern” video.