Friday, October 23, 2009

Deathbed: The Bed That Eats


This one has a fun back-story. The filming of Deathbed began in 1973. It wasn’t completed until 1977 and it never saw the light of day as studios (probably wisely) refused to take a chance on a movie about a man-eating bed. Director George Barry explains this in the intro. He seems like an all around nice guy and he’s very proud of this film. He also seems completely oblivious to how utterly ridiculous the premise is. Unbeknownst to him, the movie was shown in a few theaters in England and over the years it developed a microscopic cult following. It was finally released in 2003.

The first minute of Deathbed consists of a black screen accompanied by what is unmistakably the sound of a guy eating an apple. This hilarity immediately earned it an extra half gretch. Things only get more bizarre from there. The plot, if you really want to know, concerns the ghost of an artist who is trapped in a painting and forced for eternity to watch the evil bed devour its victims. The explanation for the bed itself is much more elaborate than that. You see, long ago a demon turned into a breeze and blew by a beautiful girl. He created a bed, changed into human form and summoned the girl. There’s more to this nonsense but that’s not the point. I’m sure you already have a bazillion questions so I’ll try to get to as many as possible in FAQ format.

Q: Is this a joke?
A: No, as a matter of fact Deathbed takes itself pretty damn seriously.

Q: That’s fucking retarded.
A: Yes, yes it is.

Q: How does it work?
A: When the victim or victims are lying on top of it, foam starts to surface, a mouth opens up and sucks them in. Then you see what looks like the inside of a tub filled with beer and floating bones.

Q: How many people actually fall for it?
A: According the newspaper headlines “Thousands disappear!” and “Strange munching sounds heard in the night!”

Q: Can the bed do any other neat things?
A: Yes, it can whip you with its sheets like a jock in a locker room and drag you into his mouth.

Q: What’s the deal with the ghost in the painting?
A: Not sure, but he gets very sad whenever the bed chomps someone.

Q: Should I watch this movie?
A: Probably not.


JPX said...

This is one of the funniest reviews of the season! Also, " This hilarity immediately earned it an extra half gretch" had me in stitches, I love the Gretchen rating scale. This sounds like it's so-bad-it's-awesome. I'm getting it.

You FAQ is pure genius and I'm mad I didn't think of it.

HandsomeStan said...

Ditto! Between this and Mr AC, Most Original Review is a dead heat.

Friggin hilarious!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Thanks! This one really is so bad it's good. There's one scene where a girl makes it off the bed and drags her bloody body across the floor. It seriously lasts 5 minutes. Inch by inch she makes her way across the room. As soon as she reaches the window the sheets fly out and drag her back. Cue the sad artist lowering his head.

I like the idea of a "lost" horror movie from the 70's. I can totally see how this movie would dance around the minds of a few of the original moviegoers . As decades went by they likely thought "what the hell was up with that movie?" Eventually curiosity became too much and the unearthing became an inevitability.

Catfreeek said...

So funny JSP, you made my night.

I on the other hand spent my evening scaring little children so therefore I watched zero movies tonight.

DCD said...

Completely hilarious, JSP! Love the FAQ's - I think you may have sold more people on watching it then turned away with that kind of sell!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

The other headlines I didn't mention were "Mayor demands investigation!" followed by "Mayor disappears!" That could be an entire movie on its own.

Octopunk said...

Excellent, excellent! "The first minute of Deathbed consists of a black screen accompanied by what is unmistakably the sound of a guy eating an apple." Sometimes these things almost write themselves.

But it didn't, you did, and it was hilarious.

I knew someone who worked on a movie called The Refrigerator. It was about a refrigerator that ate people.

Octopunk said...

Oh my god I found it.

Also: how do the sheets on the Deathbed get cleaned?

Whirlygirl said...

Jsp, you are too funny. Love this review!