Saturday, June 05, 2010

HHD results

OK, I have to bite the bullet and get this done. Thanks again for all the great haikus.
The contenders:

Catfreeek’s GWAR! saga got me right out of the gate:
My boyfriend named Space
punching moshers in the face
as they closed in, GWAR!

Bleeding, wretched vile
Covered head to toe in slime
good times were had, GWAR!

Ears ringing, head spins
Michael Jackson castrated
blood shot to face, GWAR!

And on a contrasting note, the Ani DiFranco line “sea of hairy pits” was one of the funniest in a very funny day.

JPX is a contender for his famous but always worth hearing lighter saga (I’m a sucker for a saga):
Motley Crue concert
Some thug borrowed my lighter
He got a surprise

I made adjustments
So it was a flamethrower
He got a surprise

I should have warned him
His greasy hair didn't help
He got a surprise

Hair caught on fire
I shouldn't have laughed at him
I got a surprise

He tore my shirt off
And then he tried to kill me
Yep, I ran away

Had to buy a shirt
$20 for a shirt
It looked pretty cool

Took that shirt to school
I looked cool in track practice
I wore it often

Thug had the last laugh
I went to put on my shirt
One fall afternooon

Opened my locker
Someone had stolen my shirt!
I miss that damn shirt

I loved Stan’s Beta Band mini-review, which conveys the essence of the experience whilst simultaneously dissing JSP’s ex:
Beta Band Boston
Show closed with a drum solo
Show's in the Top 3
Even Sweatpants' wife
Couldn't bring down the evening
Plus we had great drugs

And a stellar contribution to the “bad shows” category:
Worst Phish show ever
Prince Caspian DID NOT END
Hate that fucking song

And what’s not to love about:
The Dead in Tampa
Giant turtle on the stage
Turned into rabbit *

(* = animals not actually present)

Whirlygirl was definitely holding back stories, but still gets credit for her (presumably ironic) entries into the “I win best concert” competition:
I saw Bobby Brown
Did any of you see him?

I think not, I win

How about New Kids

Did any of you see them?

I think not, I win

Johnny had a lot of great stuff, but my favorite was his riff on Stan’s Phish haiku:
Live along the sea!
*Shoots self in the face*

I loved Fitty’s Sabbath reunion saga (again with the sagas), especially his transliteration of Pantera lyrics:
Sabbath reunion
Opening acts: Pantera
System of a Down

SOD opened
Frontman: screeching lunatic
Good thing we were late

Then came Pantera
Super fast, super heavy
Beat me to a pulp

What's he saying though?
Sample lyrics: "UH LUH LUH!

Then came the darkness
Sound like heavy black hammers
Sabbath's still got it

After, in a daze
Friend said, "You just got rocked, son"
No feeling like it

And finally, despite his self deprecating comment, Octopunk was an extremely strong contender with two entries, the hilariously disgusting and completely pure
Guy two rows up pukes long time
Then makes out with chick

And the hilarious and puzzling
Here's a real quote: "Some-
times a spark goes up your ass
And it feels reaaaaal good."

So as an extremely reluctant judge, I have to call Octopunk first runner-up for “KISS with JPX” as it tells the whole story in three perfect lines, but I am giving the win to Catfreeek for her GWAR! saga, because it is so evocative and because I can’t stop laughing even now when I read it for the tenth time. I think it’s the exclamation point that kills me. Also I need to hear more about the Michael Jackson line… or do I?

Thanks again everybody! Congratulations Catfreeek!!!


Catfreeek said...

Wow! Thanks AC I thought for sure the win would go to Octo for the guy puking then making out with the chick...eeew!

JSP & I believe Stan were with me & Space at the show where he was punching people in the face.

The Michael Jackson segment of the show was in result of MJ's first molestation drama. A even more freakish looking MJ masturbated over an alien baby spewing yellow stuff all over the audience then was castrated spewing red stuff all over us again. See a modified version where he gets his face ripped off here.

Catfreeek said...

On a side note, my friends Darlene, Cristine & I actually got to hang out with GWAR after one of their shows. They're actually pretty laid back once the make up comes off.

DCD said...

Congrats Freeek! Sorry I missed this one, hilarious entries!

Octopunk said...

Nice win Catfreeek! I wondered if the GWAR saga would take it as soon as I read it, and I loved how perfectly it set the tone for this topic: balls out enthusiasm. And you've been due for a win.

My personal fave was Johnny's "we save people and then go off to rock" entry, which I'm misquoting because I'm too lazy to find it. In that moment I actually perceived something heroically cool about the two of you. But then it wore off.

Octopunk said...

About Mr. Spark... to this day I don't know what that weirdo was talking about. That band was like something from a just-slightly parallel universe, in which everything was a little lamer and stupider than here but enough to be slightly interesting.

Great topic, AC. Nice work, people.

Oh, except a big rasberry to JPX for all those "AC's my hero" lines. Way to suck up!

50PageMcGee said...

nice going, CF.

although i have to point out, you jumped the gun on your "i think not, i win" -- i've been to page/plant too.

total crime that jpj didn't get invited along, considering he wrote most of the music everyone was playing.

Catfreeek said...

I agree, but still it was a hell of a good show.

JPX said...

Congrats, Catfreeek!