Get that thing away from me

Sometimes I wish was a space pirate. Other times I wish Hulk Hogan was my dad. Because my dad is cool and all, but he doesn't walk around in a neon speedo looking like he eats children for breakfast. And despite any objections he might get from his wife or kids or friends or anybody else that sees him on the street he's still going with the mustache. Sure it makes him look like a Civil War general but you say that like it's a bad thing.