"That's right, I'm on fire. What are you gonna do about it?"
YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!
OOOOOOOOOOooooooohhhhh!
Yeah, we're just chilling right now but we could go ABSOLUTELY NUTS at any given moment.
The Devil made them wear lipstick and dress like this so perhaps you should think twice before jumping to conclusions.
Rob Halford killed like nine guys before this photo shoot.
Johnny Sweatpants once got knocked unconscious in a Gwar moshpit. It taught him a valuable lesson about how to deal with life.
He's currently in the midst of an intense Alice in Chains revival.
"I make love to mountain lions,
Sleep on red hot branding irons,
When I walk the roadway shakes,
Bed's a mess of rattlesnakes"
- "I'm So Bad (Baby I Don't Care)" by Motörhead
Soooooo... I'm not sure what else to say. This can include everything from Deep Purple to Slayer to Skid Row (but the cutoff is Poison). I apologize to any women or sensitive men who feel alienated by this topic but I needed to get it out of my system for therapeutic purposes. (And be thankful I didn't opt for my original Horny Vampires topic...) Oh, and I wouldn't feel good about myself if I didn't mention KISS:
55 comments:
I really need sleep
But I can't stop headbanging
Ace, what should I do?
From the pages of the Cranky Old Man's Book of Haikoo...
Ramifications
Rock & Roll, party, all day?
Without face paint? YUCK!
Think you're bad-ass, KISS?
Rap artists wouldn't think twice
Before shooting you
Saw Pantera once
Didn't understand a word
"RUH! RUH! RUH RUH RUH!"
The makeup came off
Gene wrote a bunch of bad songs
The makeup went on
Here's some KISSTORY
"I was made for lovin' you"
My favorite song
First is hand swelled up
Then cerebral hemorrhage
Mark St. John was cursed
Saw Motley Crue once
A guy borrowed my lighter
His hair caught on fire
"Hair fire" was mad
He tore the shirt off my back
He was pretty pissed
I learned my lesson
Don't laugh when someone's in flames
You'll lose your tee shirt
So who is the best?
Absolute God of hard rock
has to be Lemmy
Ozzy was the shit
Back in the Black Sabbath days
kicked serious ass
Solo stuff was good
Now just a pussy whipped schmuck
guided by Sharon
I'm sad to confess
Never really into KISS
must be a guy thing
And what's with Stryper
belting out heavy metal
and it's all for God
Financial advice
given to stock holders then
buy stock in hairspray
Did head banging cause
any medical issues
from shaking the brain?
The best angry song
Nazareth-Hair of the Dog
You want to kick ass!
Had tickets to see
Guns n Roses, twice in fact
both shows canceled out
Why did they cancel?
Axl had a hissy fit
cause show not sold out
Screw you Axl Rose
Who do you think you are, huh?
just a big asshole
Rock and roll all night
And party every day. Sigh
If only I could
Metal attire
Black tee,spiked wrist band, cool shades
Who was I kidding?
The power ballad
That's when you hit the bathroom
No time for wuss rock
At most metal shows
You're likely to see some boobs
I approve of this
After the GWAR show
My bathtub had a green ring
Now THAT'S rock n roll
White Zombie music:
Just yell "Yeah!", "Motherfucker!"
Like, repeatedly
Um, excuse me sir,
You're covered in puke and blood
Gwar in town again?
Faster Pussycat
Unsung heroes of hair bands
Now they're old and fat
Used to like Poison
Now I want Bret Michaels dead
His TV show - BLEEEECCCHH!!
Every night has dawn?
Every cowboy sings sad songs?
You call those lyrics?
Leather, collars, studs
And also homophobic
- Hypocritical
What's with Bret Michael?
Always wearing bandanas
I suspect he's bald
"Shout at the Devil"
An anthem to get behind
Headbanger's delight
He looks like a girl
But he screams like a banshee
Skid Row's cool with me
Last hair band I saw
Ended up in disaster
100 fans dead
Jacked up Satanist
With Napoleon complex
Hello Glenn Danzig
Making fun of KISS
Means you've never seen them play
Total spectacle
Explosions, lasers
fire, blood, Gene even flies
Money's worth, indeed!
Steven Tyler rocked
Then he stopped doing cocaine
Now he sings wuss songs
Oh Bruce Dickenson
Oh my sock in pocket
Just glad to see me
Victim of Changes
Rob Halford, say its not true
Made myself like you
Never trust a band
Whose big hit is a ballad
Chances are they're frauds
Extreme, White Lion
Are exhibits A & B
Both are big, fat jokes
Hair bands ruled the scene
Then Curt Cobain ruined it
Made hair bands look dumb
Large Robot grabbed Rob
Lifted him into the air
Great Judas Priest show!
Yeah, Cinderella
Really wanted to like them
Sadly they just sucked
KISS Meets the Phantom
What was the bad guy's main goal?
It doesn't matter
KISS releases bomb
Why no love for The Elder?
Go to hell, Blackwell
KISS solo albums
Guilty pleasure song from Pete
"You Matter to Me"
amps at eleven
armadillos in trousers
smell the glove, honey
Metalocalypse
Sales aren't what they used to be
Acoustocalypse
David St. Huggins
Extols grandiose asses.
Bum cakes anyone?
Men in tight leather
Sing to men clad the same way.
Nope, no subtext there.
I’ve seen Ozzy live
Not once, not twice, but three times
His gigs are boring
To fire up the crowd
He does a few jumping jacks
It’s not impressive
Where is the crazy?
He’s supposed to eat bat heads
Not hobble around
Rob Zombie opened
For Ozzy in Worcester once
Blew him off the stage
forty plus rockers
spandex looks really nice
keep the faith boys
Cookie-Monster throat
no syllable coherent
hail nü-Hamburglar
cum on feel the noize
contradicts your hushed namesake
are coffins soundproof?
Demon and Cat Man
Space Ace and the Star Child
Blow Beatles away
Metallica's back
Last 17 years ignored
JSP hates them
Digging in Jay's tapes
Threw the cassingle of "One"
Out upstairs window
Let's talk Dee Snider
The ugliest man alive
with/without make-up
Twister Sister said
"We're not gonna take it!" yeah!
Best teen angst anthem
Dee filed his big teeth
pointy and scary looking
then changed back again
Let's face the facts here
Dee is just plain frightening
in his own strangeland
Poor, poor Jani Lane
Got no respect, then or now
And now he's quite fat
People can be dumb
The most inaccurate phrase?
"Rockin' like Dokken"
I'm still giggling over Chris' men in tight leather haiku
Clad in platform boots
spewing fake blood and some fire
sounds like circus act
Saw Alice in Chains
Some fan jumped up on the stage
Showed us hairy crack
Went to Gwar at Strand
Brought my biker beau with me
He kicked moshers ass
Then Gwar with Tony
Didn't know what to expect
He got drenched with spew
Tony loved mosh pits
I took him to the Misfits
He got bloody nose
In Key West, worked in
Record store. All cruise ship staff
Asked, "Got White Lion?"
Some songs - I can deal.
Others just sound SO yell-y
Not a metal girl.
Marilyn Manson
Churchy picketers afoot
Waving signs, chanting
Claimed he was Satan
warned us not to go in there
we just flipped them off
I think it's funny
No one's mentioned Def Leppard's
one armed drummer guy
In my Dead Head prime
I was dragged to Ratt concert
Bon Jovi opened
Ratt blew up some things
that looked like giant beer cans
and said Ratt n Roll
One of the beer cans
got deflated mid concert
was hilarious
All air guitar skills
Finally coming in handy
Thanks, Guitar Hero!
Behind wheel of car
I BECOME Bruce Dickinson
Run...for...your...liiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiiife!
Hey! Metallica
Can make "death" three syllables.
Ahem: "DAAAAY-UTH-AHHHH!"
Leppard's not metal
Too many years as pussies
And there's the cripple
"Love Bites," you say, Joe?
Drummer tried to write lyrics:
"Losing One Arm Bites."
Come to think of it
That "Pour Some Sugar On Me:"
REALLY gay lyrics
"Armageddon It"
There's bunny rabbit slippers
IN the video
Debate not needed
Best metal album ever?
Master of Puppets
Should be watching Lost
Instead, old Metallica:
The "Cliff 'Em All" disc
8-minute epics
Speed changes and double-bass
These guys fuckin SHRED
I know, I know: Priest,
Maiden, Sabbath - they're all good
"Creeping Death" = better
Ah, Quiet Riot
"Metal health will drive you mad!"
Cool album cover
Twisted Sister rocked
"Pledge pin, on your uniform!"
Awesome videos
'Memba Autograph?
Sang, "Turn up the radio!"
Never turned it up
There is no debate
Best metal album ever
Screaming for Vengence
"Never turned it up" = absolutely hilarious!
Most Metal "Moment":
Ozzy on tour with the Crue
Snorted line of ants
Bite the head off bat,
Worship Satan; I don't care.
Your concerts still blow
Tommy Lee's drum cage
Rotated and flew around
THAT'S fucking metal!
I've got a riddle
What has nine arms and sucks? Stuck?
Answer: Def Leppard
My metal fingers
Unspoken volumes to world
Fuck all your music
Just saw the "nine arms": genius.
Pumping forearm clenched
You still don't get it, do you?
I feel like a tank
'04 Horrorthon
T'were jokes by the two brothers
At Octo's expense
Headbanger horror
Reviewed with "helpful" asides
Just for yours truly
(Side note for Jeff Cross--
KISS: a heavy metal band)
Golly, thanks a lot
But I gotta say
Trying for metal haiku
I really got squat
JPX made me
See some free metal concerts
Some sucked, some were fun
Saw drunk headband dude
Turn from his girlfriend and puke
And then they made out
Triumph laser show
I recall almost nothing
Except opener
Some band called Mountain
Lead singer was Wolfman Jack
Or so it would seem
For real he said this:
"When a spark goes in your ass
It can feel reeeeal good"
Meanwhile the drummer
Threw a stick on each downbeat
'Til nobody cared
I love how Octo always is invisible in the overall daily race, then at five seconds to midnight, comes sprinting out of the pack towards the finish line spouting brilliant Gatorade on all the fans. To offer a metaphor. The words "brilliant" and "hilarious" are overused by me to describe everyone's output, but "Til nobody cared" capped off another brilliant Octo Run.
Confused by the "Jeffs"
Is Cross not one of you all?
Fuck. Back to metal -
Impenetrable
And quite invulnerable
Metal makes me god
Roar of a guitar
Thunder of drums. Growl of bass.
Feel like kick-ass Man.
Jeff Cross is Octo
What you didn't know that fact?
You silly rabbit
Are we gonna get an answer today or what??
Now there's the problem with Sweatpants, it's the stall factor.
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