Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Haiku Hump Day: Heavy Goddamn Metal Motherfu@kers!!

Have you ever rocked out so friggin' hard that you were unable to concentrate on anything else that's going on in the world such as the news or your future? If so then today could very well be the Haiku Hump Day for YOU.

"That's right, I'm on fire. What are you gonna do about it?"



Yeah, we're just chilling right now but we could go ABSOLUTELY NUTS at any given moment.

The Devil made them wear lipstick and dress like this so perhaps you should think twice before jumping to conclusions.

Rob Halford killed like nine guys before this photo shoot.

Johnny Sweatpants once got knocked unconscious in a Gwar moshpit. It taught him a valuable lesson about how to deal with life.

He's currently in the midst of an intense Alice in Chains revival.

"I make love to mountain lions,
Sleep on red hot branding irons,
When I walk the roadway shakes,
Bed's a mess of rattlesnakes"

- "I'm So Bad (Baby I Don't Care)" by Motörhead

Soooooo... I'm not sure what else to say. This can include everything from Deep Purple to Slayer to Skid Row (but the cutoff is Poison). I apologize to any women or sensitive men who feel alienated by this topic but I needed to get it out of my system for therapeutic purposes. (And be thankful I didn't opt for my original Horny Vampires topic...) Oh, and I wouldn't feel good about myself if I didn't mention KISS:


Johnny Sweatpants said...

I really need sleep
But I can't stop headbanging
Ace, what should I do?

50PageMcGee said...

From the pages of the Cranky Old Man's Book of Haikoo...

Rock & Roll, party, all day?
Without face paint? YUCK!

Think you're bad-ass, KISS?
Rap artists wouldn't think twice
Before shooting you

Saw Pantera once
Didn't understand a word

JPX said...

The makeup came off
Gene wrote a bunch of bad songs
The makeup went on

Here's some KISSTORY
"I was made for lovin' you"
My favorite song

First is hand swelled up
Then cerebral hemorrhage
Mark St. John was cursed

JPX said...

Saw Motley Crue once
A guy borrowed my lighter
His hair caught on fire

"Hair fire" was mad
He tore the shirt off my back
He was pretty pissed

I learned my lesson
Don't laugh when someone's in flames
You'll lose your tee shirt

Catfreeek said...

So who is the best?
Absolute God of hard rock
has to be Lemmy

Ozzy was the shit
Back in the Black Sabbath days
kicked serious ass

Solo stuff was good
Now just a pussy whipped schmuck
guided by Sharon

Catfreeek said...

I'm sad to confess
Never really into KISS
must be a guy thing

And what's with Stryper
belting out heavy metal
and it's all for God

Financial advice
given to stock holders then
buy stock in hairspray

Did head banging cause
any medical issues
from shaking the brain?

The best angry song
Nazareth-Hair of the Dog
You want to kick ass!

Catfreeek said...

Had tickets to see
Guns n Roses, twice in fact
both shows canceled out

Why did they cancel?
Axl had a hissy fit
cause show not sold out

Screw you Axl Rose
Who do you think you are, huh?
just a big asshole

JPX said...

Rock and roll all night
And party every day. Sigh
If only I could

Metal attire
Black tee,spiked wrist band, cool shades
Who was I kidding?

JPX said...

The power ballad
That's when you hit the bathroom
No time for wuss rock

At most metal shows
You're likely to see some boobs
I approve of this

HandsomeStan said...

After the GWAR show
My bathtub had a green ring
Now THAT'S rock n roll

White Zombie music:
Just yell "Yeah!", "Motherfucker!"
Like, repeatedly

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Um, excuse me sir,
You're covered in puke and blood
Gwar in town again?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Faster Pussycat
Unsung heroes of hair bands
Now they're old and fat

Used to like Poison
Now I want Bret Michaels dead

Every night has dawn?
Every cowboy sings sad songs?
You call those lyrics?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Leather, collars, studs
And also homophobic
- Hypocritical

JPX said...

What's with Bret Michael?
Always wearing bandanas
I suspect he's bald

"Shout at the Devil"
An anthem to get behind
Headbanger's delight

Johnny Sweatpants said...

He looks like a girl
But he screams like a banshee
Skid Row's cool with me

Last hair band I saw
Ended up in disaster
100 fans dead

Jacked up Satanist
With Napoleon complex
Hello Glenn Danzig

JPX said...

Making fun of KISS
Means you've never seen them play
Total spectacle

Explosions, lasers
fire, blood, Gene even flies
Money's worth, indeed!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Steven Tyler rocked
Then he stopped doing cocaine
Now he sings wuss songs

desroc2 said...

Oh Bruce Dickenson
Oh my sock in pocket
Just glad to see me

Victim of Changes
Rob Halford, say its not true
Made myself like you

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Never trust a band
Whose big hit is a ballad
Chances are they're frauds

Extreme, White Lion
Are exhibits A & B
Both are big, fat jokes

JPX said...

Hair bands ruled the scene
Then Curt Cobain ruined it
Made hair bands look dumb

Large Robot grabbed Rob
Lifted him into the air
Great Judas Priest show!

Yeah, Cinderella
Really wanted to like them
Sadly they just sucked

JPX said...

KISS Meets the Phantom
What was the bad guy's main goal?
It doesn't matter

KISS releases bomb
Why no love for The Elder?
Go to hell, Blackwell

KISS solo albums
Guilty pleasure song from Pete
"You Matter to Me"

G said...

amps at eleven
armadillos in trousers
smell the glove, honey

G said...

Sales aren't what they used to be

Chris said...

David St. Huggins
Extols grandiose asses.
Bum cakes anyone?

Men in tight leather
Sing to men clad the same way.
Nope, no subtext there.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I’ve seen Ozzy live
Not once, not twice, but three times
His gigs are boring

To fire up the crowd
He does a few jumping jacks
It’s not impressive

Where is the crazy?
He’s supposed to eat bat heads
Not hobble around

Rob Zombie opened
For Ozzy in Worcester once
Blew him off the stage

desroc2 said...

forty plus rockers
spandex looks really nice
keep the faith boys

G said...

Cookie-Monster throat
no syllable coherent
hail nü-Hamburglar

G said...

cum on feel the noize
contradicts your hushed namesake
are coffins soundproof?

HandsomeStan said...

Demon and Cat Man
Space Ace and the Star Child
Blow Beatles away

Metallica's back
Last 17 years ignored
JSP hates them

Digging in Jay's tapes
Threw the cassingle of "One"
Out upstairs window

Catfreeek said...

Let's talk Dee Snider
The ugliest man alive
with/without make-up

Twister Sister said
"We're not gonna take it!" yeah!
Best teen angst anthem

Dee filed his big teeth
pointy and scary looking
then changed back again

Let's face the facts here
Dee is just plain frightening
in his own strangeland

HandsomeStan said...

Poor, poor Jani Lane
Got no respect, then or now
And now he's quite fat

People can be dumb
The most inaccurate phrase?
"Rockin' like Dokken"

Catfreeek said...

I'm still giggling over Chris' men in tight leather haiku

Clad in platform boots
spewing fake blood and some fire
sounds like circus act

Saw Alice in Chains
Some fan jumped up on the stage
Showed us hairy crack

Went to Gwar at Strand
Brought my biker beau with me
He kicked moshers ass

Then Gwar with Tony
Didn't know what to expect
He got drenched with spew

Tony loved mosh pits
I took him to the Misfits
He got bloody nose

Dana's Brain said...

In Key West, worked in
Record store. All cruise ship staff
Asked, "Got White Lion?"

Dana's Brain said...

Some songs - I can deal.
Others just sound SO yell-y
Not a metal girl.

Catfreeek said...

Marilyn Manson
Churchy picketers afoot
Waving signs, chanting

Claimed he was Satan
warned us not to go in there
we just flipped them off

Catfreeek said...

I think it's funny
No one's mentioned Def Leppard's
one armed drummer guy

Catfreeek said...

In my Dead Head prime
I was dragged to Ratt concert
Bon Jovi opened

Ratt blew up some things
that looked like giant beer cans
and said Ratt n Roll

One of the beer cans
got deflated mid concert
was hilarious

HandsomeStan said...

All air guitar skills
Finally coming in handy
Thanks, Guitar Hero!

Behind wheel of car
I BECOME Bruce Dickinson

Hey! Metallica
Can make "death" three syllables.

HandsomeStan said...

Leppard's not metal
Too many years as pussies
And there's the cripple

"Love Bites," you say, Joe?
Drummer tried to write lyrics:
"Losing One Arm Bites."

Come to think of it
That "Pour Some Sugar On Me:"
REALLY gay lyrics

HandsomeStan said...

"Armageddon It"
There's bunny rabbit slippers
IN the video

HandsomeStan said...

Debate not needed
Best metal album ever?
Master of Puppets

Should be watching Lost
Instead, old Metallica:
The "Cliff 'Em All" disc

8-minute epics
Speed changes and double-bass
These guys fuckin SHRED

I know, I know: Priest,
Maiden, Sabbath - they're all good
"Creeping Death" = better

JPX said...

Ah, Quiet Riot
"Metal health will drive you mad!"
Cool album cover

Twisted Sister rocked
"Pledge pin, on your uniform!"
Awesome videos

'Memba Autograph?
Sang, "Turn up the radio!"
Never turned it up

JPX said...

There is no debate
Best metal album ever
Screaming for Vengence

HandsomeStan said...

"Never turned it up" = absolutely hilarious!

Most Metal "Moment":
Ozzy on tour with the Crue
Snorted line of ants

Bite the head off bat,
Worship Satan; I don't care.
Your concerts still blow

HandsomeStan said...

Tommy Lee's drum cage
Rotated and flew around
THAT'S fucking metal!

Octopunk said...

I've got a riddle
What has nine arms and sucks? Stuck?
Answer: Def Leppard

HandsomeStan said...

My metal fingers
Unspoken volumes to world
Fuck all your music

HandsomeStan said...

Just saw the "nine arms": genius.

HandsomeStan said...

Pumping forearm clenched
You still don't get it, do you?
I feel like a tank

Octopunk said...

'04 Horrorthon
T'were jokes by the two brothers
At Octo's expense

Headbanger horror
Reviewed with "helpful" asides
Just for yours truly

(Side note for Jeff Cross--
KISS: a heavy metal band)
Golly, thanks a lot

But I gotta say
Trying for metal haiku
I really got squat

Octopunk said...

JPX made me
See some free metal concerts
Some sucked, some were fun

Saw drunk headband dude
Turn from his girlfriend and puke
And then they made out

Triumph laser show
I recall almost nothing
Except opener

Some band called Mountain
Lead singer was Wolfman Jack
Or so it would seem

For real he said this:
"When a spark goes in your ass
It can feel reeeeal good"

Meanwhile the drummer
Threw a stick on each downbeat
'Til nobody cared

HandsomeStan said...

I love how Octo always is invisible in the overall daily race, then at five seconds to midnight, comes sprinting out of the pack towards the finish line spouting brilliant Gatorade on all the fans. To offer a metaphor. The words "brilliant" and "hilarious" are overused by me to describe everyone's output, but "Til nobody cared" capped off another brilliant Octo Run.

Confused by the "Jeffs"
Is Cross not one of you all?
Fuck. Back to metal -

And quite invulnerable
Metal makes me god

Roar of a guitar
Thunder of drums. Growl of bass.
Feel like kick-ass Man.

Octopunk said...

Jeff Cross is Octo
What you didn't know that fact?
You silly rabbit

Dana's Brain said...

Are we gonna get an answer today or what??

Catfreeek said...

Now there's the problem with Sweatpants, it's the stall factor.