Friday, March 19, 2010

Haiku Dream Dinner Results!

It came down to three. From Handsome Stan:

Justice League dinner
Who invited Aquaman?!?
I'm cooking seafood!

I find any humor at Aquaman’s expense to be hysterically funny. He is and always will be the laughing stock of the Justice League for this reason alone: his powers are limited to the ocean while most of the important stuff in life happens on land. There’s an old joke where Superman is assigning serious duties to the various JLA members and when he gets to Aquaman he zings “Aquaman, why don’t you go uh.. talk to some fish or something” and everyone has a good laugh.

The scenario that Handsome Stan constructed in 3 lines depicts Aquaman showing up unwanted at a dinner party and then learning that seafood is on the menu. It implies that the other heroes are generally sensitive to Aquaman's fish loving lifestyle but they all indulge behind his back. Priceless! I became obsessed with finding a picture of Aquaman looking dejected. I couldn’t find one so I had no choice but to doodle one:

From Octopunk:

Invited Earhart
She said she'd be right over
Bitch never showed up

Now that may very well be the most offensive haiku in the history of the competition. In addition to making a sexist comment towards a feminist icon, he rubs salt in the wounds by mocking her mysterious disappearance. Bravo!

From Catfreeek:

Adam & Eve came
served them some hot apple pie
it's sinfully good

In true Horrorthon fashion, the Freeek plays the role of the devil and tempts the famous dumb couple. As if they haven’t already felt enough guilt over the whole “fall from grace” thing. All three of these haikus were champions in their own right. But since I can only pick one winner I’m going to go with Catfreeek because she’s long overdue for a win. Congrats Catfreeek!

17 comments:

Octopunk said...

Congrats Catfreeek! That was a good one. Both of my fellow contenders made me laugh with other efforts besides their win-kus.

Stan's

X-Men Thanksgiving
Pyro cooks, Wolverine carves
X thinks about stuff

I was gonna do an X-men haiku but Stan beat me to it before I'd even thought it out. Reading his I decided to bag it.

Cat's

JSP Nightmare
A dinner with Nickleback
The Pope & JarJar

The rhythm of that guestlist is haiku gold.

Great topic Johnny! I'm honored that I was considered for a win.

Octopunk said...

I should point out that my decision to use the word "bitch" was only due to the rigorous syllabic demands of the form. But that is the journey, after all.

HandsomeStan said...

Octo beat me to the mention of Cat's Nickelback 'ku. The horrifically comic potential of that lineup is staggering. I confess i thought that one might go head-to-head with Salvador Dali's heat vision from Octo. Brilliance, sheer brilliance.

And it's an honor to be considered; i concur Cat was long overdue. Congratulations, you devil!

Where the hell's 50Page, anyway?

HandsomeStan said...

I'm also quite glad that i could inspire such a gem of a drawing of the hapless Aquaman. I agree the humor potential is limitless. I should have made a series of haikus with Aquaman showing up at inappropriate parties. Captain Ahab, the Exxon Valdez captain, Black Manta...

Octopunk said...

I have a friend who always thought it completely arbitrary that Aquaman was able to command armies of fish. She said "why not telepathically command, say, umbrellas?"

The image of a street full of umbrellas suddenly wresting themselves from their owners and flying off in formation has always stuck with me.

Octopunk said...

And while I'm tromping through my brain's archives: the heat vision joke comes from a Frank Miller/Bill Senkiewicz Daredevil graphic novel. Daredevil has broken into the Kingpin's building and briefly shares an elevator with one of Miller's recurring background characters named Turk, a low-level comic relief thug. Daredevil has pummelled Turk countless times, so Turk's understandably nervous. Daredevil has extra-scary red talking balloons.

"So, D... how'd you get up here?"

"I flew up, Turk."

"Right! Right. How'd you get through the windows?"

"I used my heat vision."

I've always been tickled by the comic potential of someone without heat vision suddenly claiming out of the blue that they have heat vision. I often try to deploy that potential, and melting watches and Dali's inherent weirdness* probably provided my most successful opportunity to date.

*You ever see that documentary about him? That guy was whack. He probably did have heat vision.

HandsomeStan said...

Never saw the documentary, but the insta-combo of his melted watches and the idea of him having heat vision was epic. Like, of COURSE the motherfucker had heat vision. That's a still-life painting!

Until I read Cat's Jar Jar one, I was trying damn hard to beat it. I'm glad Aquaman was considered a worthy competitor. The haiku, not him as such.

A dinner party
Ahab, Manta, Valdez cap
Aquaman's here? WHAT??!?!?!?

I also must confess that I had seriously wrestled with what other X-Men powers lent themselves to preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Mashed potatoes? Wolverine. Cranberry sauce? Probably Wolverine too. Storm could at least provide a good atmosphere/steam vent in the kitchen. Nightcrawler could just teleport beers to everyone watching football in the living room. Beyond that I stalled out. Colossus takes the turkey out of the oven? Stretch.

Darn it, we need like a 2-day haiku festival.

Catfreeek said...

Great topic JSP it was a fun one. Thanks so much for the win JSP I have a topic in mind for next week already. Now if I can just snap a picture of a certain old nun my day wouldn't be able to get any better.

I thought my Judas one was better though.

Stan, if my cats ever begin to talk I'm moving out and they can have the house. Loved the Aquaman ku too.

JPX said...

Yay, congrats Catfreek! I thought you had a number of gems. I'm expecting greatness from you next week!

JPX said...

JSP, I've been laughing at that Aquaman picture all day, well done!

HandsomeStan said...

Yes, the mouth is the money. Absolutely sells the whole thing. Like he just walked in to discover all his other super-powered friends cracking open lobster tails and whacking crabs with hammers. And they all kind of awkwardly pause. Totally conflicted.

Can't wait to see what Cat concocts for next week!

HandsomeStan said...

And upon further inspection, it's the right eyebrow that is totally money. (Aquaman's right, our left.) Speaks volumes.

Fantastic. Fantastic job.

AC said...

great job, catfreeek! i thought you had it in the bag.

fun topic, sweatpants.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Thanks Handsome Stan! I've been giggling about the lobster cracking scenario all day. And I'm also giggling about the umbrellas. Why do I get the feeling that the Aquaman bashing is only just beginning?

Catfreeek to be honest I didn't get the Judas one until just now. Love it!

Whirlygirl said...

Congrats Cat! Your haikus were great this week. I loved the Santa and elves trio, but I agree with you that the Judas one was your best.

DCD said...

Sorry I missed all the dinner party fun. A number of great ones, but I think you picked right, JSP! Congrats Freeek!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

"Who invited Aquaman?" Who indeed. My gut tells me it was Green Arrow.