Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Haiku Hump Day: Co-workers

This is where I work. The lady in white is my boss.
All women, no men. Need I say more?

Co-workers are an interesting group. Myself, I have worked in more than 10 different fields with an even greater number of employers in all my 45 years on this earth. Still, no matter what the place was there always seemed to be a similar cast of characters on each job.

There's the informant. You know, that person everyone is walking on eggshells around because they run to the boss to tattle. Otherwise known as the douche bag.

The clown, this would be JSP for example. Known for their pranks or legendary farting into megaphones.

The train wreck, always late, disheveled, messy and looking stressed. They can never find what they're looking for.

The party animal. This person comes in hungover on any given day of the week. Once they wake up they usually have a few good stories.

Then there's the dreaded ass kisser. This person often thinks they are a second boss. Best to just ignore their existence altogether.

This person needs to be shot.

Now there are a host of other characters that seem to be unique to each place. I think you all have a few of them in mind right now. I can sense your creative juices flowing.

Finally, we all have them, heck some of us have even been each others. So let it rip and don't hold back, you know you have something to say about your co-workers.


Catfreeek said...

Don't complain to me
Leave all your issues at home
I don't give a shit

She's chopping veggies
while giving me the stink eye
damn that knife looks sharp

HandsomeStan said...

Surly NY crew
Long day? Bitch. Short day? Bitch more.
Angry, bitter men

Crazy actresses
Competing for "Most Insane"
Lunatics. But hot.

HandsomeStan said...

Boss is Poindexter
Seriously. Tim Busfield.
He's our director.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Where do I begin?
Well there’s the UPS guy
He irritates me

“You know, it’s Tuesday”
That’s not a valid response
To “how’s it going?”

HandsomeStan said...

Those lovely Teamsters
Who sez we ain't woikin heah?
Big kids with big trucks

HandsomeStan said...

THAT office girl
"Happy (blank)day!" Every day.
Assassinate now

Octopunk said...

Just four coworkers
Yet politics for twenty
Don't miss B of A

Octopunk said...

Robot Chicken stint
Seth Green shared joint after work
Celebs have best weed

Catfreeek said...

I want Octo's job
trade ya for a hot kitchen
yeah I know, fuck off

Catfreeek said...

I have one question
did Peter Wald ever once
do the hakoing?

Catfreeek said...

Horrors of Walmart
John from hardware didn't bathe
smelled like rancid soup

Then there was Rosey
the breath of a rotting corpse
crammed into spandex

Dee from claims section
a real angry lesbian
afraid she'd punch me

Do I hear sobbing?
Cash office lady meltdown
at least once a week

JPX said...

Uni-sex bathroom
Who left the floating B.M.?
I don't want to know

Johnny Sweatpants said...

"Good morning" I say
Every morning for 3 years
Still don't know her name

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Funny black woman
Impersonates me quite well
In my "white boy" voice

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Big Breasted Sarah
Dumb as a sac of doorknobs
Oh how I miss her

JPX said...

Is what a patient called me
Now that's my nick-name

Actual email,
"Can you please change the water?"
This happened today

I suspect Richard
Is the one stealing the food
In office kitchen

Octopunk said...

"Super delicious?"
But what happened to "Boom boom?"
I'm shaking my head

Octopunk said...

The luggage warehouse
There was a guy they called Goose
Boy what a dummy

He drove the fork lift
Lift too high, smash ceiling lights
This happened weekly

It was fun to see
Goose cowered from rain of glass
Surprised him each time

HandsomeStan said...

Please fire me now
Extras won't stop babbling
Eat. Babble. Repeat.

JPX said...

"Your patient is here"
"But I'm updating the blog",
Is what I'm thinking

Want to have some fun?
Leave some food in the break room
Watch them all descend

AC said...

a work day from hell
sadly, not my colleagues' fault
no haiku credit

AC said...

like my coworkers
makes for pleasant office life
but no haiku grist

AC said...

like past coworkers
even married one (haiku
for another day)

Catfreeek said...

Work with a woman
who blurts, "Bummer" and "Awesome"
50 times a day

Work with another
who just complains all day long
Put a sock in it!

Tried to snap a pic
This nun looks like python men
when dressed as women

AC said...

grasping at straws here
worked at dot com during boom
straight out of dilbert

liked all but one guy
boring software engineer
made me long for death

highly detailed tales
techie tidbits, his wife's job
minutes became hours

JPX said...

AC, you kidding?
You worked with crazy people
Have you forgotten?

AC said...

yes, i've forgotten
and it stays forgotten, thanks
how else would i cope?

Catfreeek said...

Worked in auto shop
Sal & BooBoo, they pulled pranks
those little demons

What's in my toolbox?
A giant rubber penis!
Thanks Sal & BooBoo

Payback's a real bitch
BooBoo leaves with sign on car
That's right, "I heart sheep"

Octopunk said...

The luggage warehouse
Knew this guy Gregario
Only spoke Spanish

I speak it okay
He and I would kind of chat
He had bad grammar

Discussed quitting time
"Going to have me a beer
And then masturbate."

It's "hace pajo"
Since I know you're curious
Hand motion translates

Looked forward each day
Clock out, go home, get inside
Beer, porn, happiness

Uh, that's awesome dude
Sounds like you have a full day
I'll be over here

Octopunk said...

I mean, like... me too!
Although without daily beer
But I don't tell you

Johnny Sweatpants said...

We interrupt today’s competition with a closer look back at JPX’s disgust towards public pooping people. (I agree with him but sometimes you’ve just gotta go, ya know?)

From Pet Peeves:

Using bathroom spray
Won't disguise the shit you took
Please go before work

From Ranting:

Please don't shit at work
We have just one bathroom here
I don't need your stink

From Crap jobs:

Wouldn't plung toilets
Not for $4 an hour
clean up your own shit

From today:

Uni-sex bathroom
Who left the floating B.M.?
I don't want to know

HandsomeStan said...

And from Star Wars:

Death Star has toilets
Stormtroopers shouldn't poop there
It's the workplace, man

(Okay, I made that up.)

HandsomeStan said...

It could be worse here
Indoor office kickball game
Ceiling tiles gone

Catfreeek said...

from Abandoned Houses:
JPX said...

Oh how I must poop
Oh thank God, an old toilet
Oops, you do not work

AC said...

jeff's right, we worked with
alcoholics, borderlines
narcissists galore

come to think of it
a catalogue of assholes
*resume forgetting*

Catfreeek said...

Narcissistic boss
wore tight shirts to show muscles
and his big nipples

JPX said...

I can't help myself
Poop is a funny topic
Never poop at work

AC and I met
Amidst a sea of crazies
We're still traumatized

Bonnie was in charge
At least she was in her mind
She was borderline

Cassandra was nuts
A severe anorexic
She ate bagel seeds

Tim was a schizoid
He never wore socks, not once
He married Bonnie

Weird Dr. Siegel
All files color-coded

Amy was anxious
I mean anxious all the time
She has G.A.D.

Then there's Susan T.
Yep, she had a snaggletooth
Why would she keep it?

Jeanne was pretty
Pretty dumb if you ask me
Married a loser

Bruce just loved himself
He liked us to call him "Boo"
Total narcissist

Believe it or not
Just the tip of the iceberg
There are many more

AC said...

fun coworker names
"george bush" and "liz lemon" both
have worked in my lab

AC said...

jeff, former colleague,
is retraumatizing me
haiku hiatus please!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Damn karma police
Just got back from the restroom
The stench made me cringe

AC said...

i'm so damn polite
i added a syllable
retract the "please," please

DCD said...

Dry cleaning/laundry
factory. Combined worker
I.Q? Thirty. Tops.

I'm not elitist.
But my best conversations
were with the Mangler.

HandsomeStan said...

Boss plugs in speakers
Really don't care for New Age
While I'm Facebooking

HandsomeStan said...

You'd think we'd bond
Coworkers in rain, at night
Nope, still hate 'em all

DCD said...

Key West hostess job,
Dealing with "career waiters."
Snotty, stuck-up queens.

They were just jealous.
At the end of the night, who
went home with desroc?

Although I will say,
a good number of those boys
gave great fashion tips.

HandsomeStan said...

More JPX Poop haikus:

Video Games -

Pac-Man poops at work
In which corner of the maze?
I will not go there

Lord Of The Rings -

Balrog poops on fire
Woe be to that cave troll orc
On cleanup duty

The Matrix:

The red or blue pill
They both make you poop. One here.
One in the Matrix

DCD said...

workers are mostly crazy.
Plus we drink a lot.

Boss had coffee cup
filled all day. Coffee? Try es-
presso martinis.

DCD said...

Found one girl asleep
on bags of ancient towels.
She still kept her job.

Did manage to can
the one we found stealing cards
from wedding couples.

HandsomeStan said...

I think whoever wins needs to make "JPX Pooping Haikus" the topic for next week, with the subject matter being any topic we've ever haiku'd about, and JPX's take on that subject, specifically as it relates to poop.

It could be like the Greatest Hits Album of HHD, or the Clip Show version of HHD. Think about it! Revisit the best topics with a fresh, poopy angle. Just sayin'.....I'll use it one day if I'm stuck for a topic idea, but it's just a suggestion.

I didn't have the energy to cram all that into 17 syllables, sorry.

HandsomeStan said...

Waited two hours
For actress to stop crying
Reason? No talent.

(there's an elaboration required, but thats essentially what it boiled down to)

HandsomeStan said...

Starscream dilemma:
Literally FIRE the boss
But he's still in charge

Johnny Sweatpants said...

It is getting late
But I must tell you this tale
The office "shitter"

We're on the 10th floor
9th floor is the Holy Land
If you've gotta "go"

14 days ago
Something horrible happened
Poop in the hallway

Shit stains led the way
Crime scene: the ladies bathroom
Suffocating stench

I am on the case
As is my trusty sidekick
We will solve this crime

Got a few suspects
Burrito enthusiasts
I'll keep you posted