Wednesday, March 31, 2010

HHD: Crime and Punishment

As most of you might know, Octo and I were arrested in 1984. Yep, that’s right, arrested. Our crime? On a warm spring evening Octo, myself, and our friend Keith (who is unfortunately insane today) were bored and we decided that it might be fun to climb on top of Barrington Middle School. Let me provide a bit of context here; Octo and I LOVED climbing and we took every opportunity to climb on trees, buildings, structures, you name it. Octo had recently acquired his driver’s license, which made our ability to explore new climbing opportunities that much easier.

Octo circa 1984

JPX circa 1984

After mulling over our options the Barrington Middle School appeared to be the most convenient and appealing climbing challenge. We quickly hopped into Octo’s tiny excuse for a car and made our way to our climbing destination. Pulling into the parking lot we were delighted to find that the place was completely deserted – mind you this was in the early evening so it wasn’t that surprising. We started our assent.

We made it onto the roof lickety-split and began frolicking around, titillated with our (simple) achievement. We explored every corner and eventually lowered ourselves into the courtyard where there was a small green house. At some point we tried the door to get into the school but had no luck, which turned out to be a very good thing. Climbing back onto the roof from the courtyard we were horrified to see a vehicle pull into the parking lot. We weren’t certain but I recall some nervous chatter about it possibly being a police car. We lay low for a while but our hearts sank when several more cars pulled into the lot – there was no mistake, they were police cars.

A plan was quickly hatched to slowly lower ourselves onto the ground in an attempt to make it back to Octo’s car, which was unfortunately in plain view. We almost made it. We were stealth-like in our decent off the roof and we actually got back to Octo’s car. Unfortunately this was also when we heard, “Freeze!” It was all over. Before we knew it we were swarmed by cops. We were quickly lined up against Octo’s car and handcuffed together. The beefy, mean cop who nabbed us noted, “Sonitrol got ya!” Later we were to learn that Sonitrol was a silent alarm system. Go figure.

The rest of the evening was just a nightmare. We were taken to the police station in the back of a cruiser and we sat in terror as we listened to the squawk of the police radio. We heard communication suggesting that the cops were inside the school checking to ensure that we hadn’t stolen computers (?!) or caused any sort of mayhem. The worst part was hearing the police desk jockey phone our parents to inform them that their thug teenagers were arrested and to come pick us up. The aftermath was uncomfortable. My father picked me up and he was cool about it. My mother, on the other hand, was livid and I was grounded (the only time in my life) and prevented from seeing Octo for a few weeks. It all blew over, of course, and today my mother is able to acknowledge that we really hadn’t done anything too terrible. Still this experience had a profound effect on my life. To this day cops scare the hell out of me.

So how about it, Horrorthonners? Tell me your tales of crime and punishment. What did you get away with? What did you get caught doing? I’d like to believe that the Horrorthon crowd is pure and above such seedy matters, but I suspect differently.


Catfreeek said...

Octo forgiven
yet I am still Devil's spawn
your Mom is unfair

Believe it or not
I've never been arrested
luck or skill? Just luck.

JPX said...

If it's a real crime
Sneaking into the movies
Than I'm a bad guy

Six years at Showcase
Taught me everything I know
About "free" movies

Paying for movies
Makes me sick to my stomach
Which is why I sneak

After Avatar
I stole my 3D glasses
For future movies...

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Frankly I'm afraid
For what Catfreeek will reveal
Through haiku today

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Dick cop encounter
Reamed me out for jaywalking
Ten minute lecture

HandsomeStan said...

Murder, arson, rape
Just another afternoon
For Stan in Jersey

HandsomeStan said...

Traffic stop with cop
He said, "Click it or ticket"
Rhyme and punishment

Octopunk said...

Dang! Stanley stinker
There oughtta be a pun law
Take him away, boys

HandsomeStan said...

Young Stan caught in store
Lifting an Italian Ice
3rd grade criminal

50PageMcGee said...

high school laughlin trip
played *one nickel* in a slot
the hammer came down

"what are you doing
gambling in *my* casino?!"
sez officer 'stache

stunning power trip
all that insane posturing
for one damned nickel

50PageMcGee said...

first shoplifting crime
age 4: Gemco cap pistol
walked right through the door

mom saw instantly
i was four. knew no better.
why all the yelling?

HandsomeStan said...

Heavy embezzling
Friends "worked" as phantom extras
I collected cash

Scam for the ages
Friends just got checks in the mail
I got free beer/rent

JPX said...

Stealing was easy
Back in the 1980s
Before computers

Just swap out price tags
Cashier was oblivious
Probably didn't care

My greatest triumph?
Scored an Atari cartridge
For $2.99

JPX said...

My earliest crime?
Peeled sticker of chick's lunchbox
Put it on my own

What was the sticker?
A Luke Skywalker, of course
Stormtrooper disguise

Chick ratted me out
Attempted to lie to mom
Tears gave me away

Learned crime does not pay
When you're 8-years old, at least
Got better at it

HandsomeStan said...

Hundreds of CDs
Swiped from Blockbuster Music
Knew where cameras were

Worked the register
Scanned nothing. Friends left with bags.
Scam For Ages II

The karmic payback
Two huge CD books stolen
Car window smashed

Octopunk said...

A Star Wars tableau
The famous trash compactor
With Chewie, Leia

The bit I wanted
The indigenous monster
The rest was garbage

Solution? Easy
Buy it, finesse it open
Remove goods, return

This time, a problem
Monster head poked from the sludge
Clearly visible

Solution? Dope moves
Sculpted, painted replacement
Stuck it back in there

Later, saw it re-shelved
With my faux dianoga
Real monster's all mine

HandsomeStan said...

Planet Hollywood
Stole STRAIGHT from cash register
That place really sucked

Had to hear "I'm Too Sexy"
Twenty times per shift

What other recourse?
Minimum wage don't cut it
They OWE ME, dammit

Octopunk said...

Thank god for The Strand
Best used bookstore in the world
What's better: they buy

Publishing dough sucks
I would make weekly Strand trips
Stuffed bag in each hand

Not strictly allowed
Weren't s'posed to sell our books
A rule I ignored

Mondays, before lunch
The dude who worked that buy shift
Way more generous

Nicked those books all week
Really pushed risk envelope
I was never caught

Whirlygirl said...

Got a lunchbox yarn
Jerk boy steals my friend’s box
I tell, and he duels

Recess comes and goes
I’m safe…nope…fist in stomach
Result of ratting

Whirlygirl said...

Mug shots, finger prints
Underwear flew in the air
Tagged a shoplifter

No joke…underwear
Why go down for underpants?
Should have stole a Porsche

Word spread like butter
Was nicknamed the panty thief
It stuck for years…years

Mom forced me to church
“Save her knickers stealing soul”
She bawled to no one

Catfreeek said...

Broke single parent
I know that's no excuse but
I had bills to pay

Showcase was easy
resell the ripped ticket stubs
deposit cash in shoe

I rationalized
that it isn't what you steal
but who you steal from

So Sumner Redstone
with multi billions in cash
could afford the loss

Catfreeek said...

Move on to Walmart
put me in electronics
free video games!

I'm a hypocrite
busted fellow employee
for stealing some games

Recovered from him
stolen merchandise

He just got greedy
it takes a thief to catch one
so I called him out

Got awarded praise
and offered a position
with security

I don't feel bad though
Walmart deserves to be robbed
for being shitheads

JPX said...

I worked at Showcase
Octo worked in pizza joint
movies for pizza

Movie passes ruled!
They were better than money
Felt like drug dealer

Hated Jimmy Fund
Or as I liked to call it
The ole 'Gimmie Fund'

Thanks to Gimmie Fund
I beat every arcade game
Even the shooters

Octopunk said...

My heroes: you guys!
All these moral corners cut
What a bunch of sneaks

When we're all in Heck
You know the Horrorthon lounge
Will have the best stuff

JPX said...

From this day forward
Whirlygirl shall thus be known
As the 'Panty Thief'

$300 dollars
Ticket for passing school bus
Yep, the Panty Thief!

Catfreeek said...

True love hooligans
Tony & met I as teens
stole door off cop car

At Dunkin Donuts
stupid cop parked on blind side
took the door and ran

Octopunk said...

Be on the lookout!
Super Delicious Boom Boom
Master criminal

Catfreeek said...

"Tony & met I" should say "Tony & I met"

Catfreeek said...

As a drunken teen
I once mooned a cop and ran
good thing I was fast

Barrington high school
never once payed for my lunch
stole pizza and fries

Not that I was broke
spent my lunch money on weed
teen priorities

Catfreeek said...

16 with large breasts
got me served at liquor stores
swapped cleavage for booze

Stopped with booze in car
I panicked and flashed the cop
so he let me go

Slammed into guardrail
booze in car, sirens wailing
drove off unnoticed

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Jimmy Fund remorse
Cancer research money used
To buy cigarettes

Catfreeek said...

I chewed Barney out
for taking Jimmy Fund cash
felt morally wrong

It's WHO you steal from
Okay to steal from Sumner
not from cancer kids

Robbing Walmart's great
but don't rob the employees
that's just immoral

Just like Robin Hood
Steal from rich, give to the poor
but I was the poor

JPX said...

Ben Franklin's was good
For a five finger discount
Great for Star Wars cards

The only challenge
Was to avoid the old man
A real mean bastard

Catfreeek said...

That Ben Franklin dude
he hated us kids so much
he caught me stealing

I was still little
took a bubble gum cigar
was a yellow one

I was with my Dad
then the old guy called me out
Dad whooped my ass too

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Robocop query
Badass cyborg with a gun?
Or heartbroken man?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

That Ben Franklin's guy
Busted my thieving ass too
M.U.S.C.L.E. Man figures

Catfreeek said...

That Ben Franklin's guy
made me be a better thief
learned ninja stealth skills

Octopunk said...

That Ben Franklin's guy
End of the aisle, arms folded
Legs wide, knowing glare

Octopunk said...

That Ben Franklin's guy
He missed my first ever theft
Plain pink eraser

AC said...

that ben franklin's guy
caused my first panic attack
(shoplifting lipgloss)

Catfreeek said...

Thought Ben Franklin's guy
Bared a strong resemblance to
host from "Beat the Clock"

Wonder if he knew
he caused us lifelong trauma
I'm sure he would laugh

HandsomeStan said...

That Ben Franklin guy
Heard he stole the kite & key
Zap! There's your payback

That Ben Franklin guy
Get off my five dollar bill
Thieving colonist

DCD said...

Sorry for the non-haiku form for a moment. I'm cracking up over the Ben Franklin's guy. My first job was working there!!

Anyhoots. On to haiku's!

DCD said...

Rents weren't grounders.
Much worse to have to endure
"The Lecture" from Burt.

Poor younger brother,
got shitfaced with friends when twelve!
Rents became grounders.

DCD said...

Curse of the teenage shoplifter. Did I really
need eighteen lipsticks?

Caught not once, but twice.
First - Barrington CVS.

But lesson not learned.
Swansea Mall Caldor. Mall cop
earned his pay. Asshole.

DCD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DCD said...

I did manage to
avoid the Barrington cops.
Hmmm. *knocking on wood*

I thought it better
to leave that distinction to
Landshark and Octo.

Both of whom spent time
in the Barrington lock-up.
Ha-Ha-Ha! Suckers.

Catfreeek said...

What a thieving bunch
Horrorthon shoplifter hell
with Ben Franklin's guy

JPX said...

JSP got caught
By the mean Ben Franklin guy
What's the story, bro?

Julie said...

Octo knows that I
Am annoyingly straight laced.
A rule follower.

So I got nuthin'.
Nuthin' nuthin' nuthin', nope.
Not a criminal.

Once I stole a top,
But it was by accident.
In my pocket. Oops.

I defraud the government,
Just at my job, though.

In that case, the cash
Is for the school. Not myself.
I steal for others.

And "defraud" makes it
Sound more exciting. It's not.
I do break rules, though.

But the rules are dumb.
It's just a different version
Of doing good, see?

I wish I could be
Self centered, greedy, and bad.
It would be more fun.

My true evil is:
I will tell you what I think.
Again, too honest.

HandsomeStan said...

Humor misfire
Crap. Franklin's on the $100
Stupid Abe Lincoln

Whole crux of humor
A moot point when you fuck up
Research those punchlines

(love that "rules are dumb" one, Julie!)