From theonion, "Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called "an unending cycle of violence."
"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."
The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.
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4 comments:
i used to read, pretty regularly, a weekly comic on Salon.com called Tom the Dancing Bug, drawn by Ruben Bolling.
i had occasion to look for one specific print of it a couple days ago and i found that they're all archived online.
the onion article reminds me of this one:
http://www.gocomics.com/tomthedancingbug/2002/04/06/
Everyone at The Onion deserves to die for blaspheming our Holy Lord like this.
The Onion totally struck the right tone in the days after 9/11. This one was also a favorite of mine:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/a-shattered-nation-longs-to-care-about-stupid-bull,216/
This is great, especially stuff in the rest of the article, and seeing "Me" capitalized is funny. I would also like it if the Lord followed up with "oh yeah, and by the way, I don't exist."
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