(1954) ****Everybody knows that Them! is about giant ants, which is hilarious, because a movie called Them! could be about almost anything, as long as they're plural and not "us." And that's ignoring my favorite parameter: the exclamation point. "They" are not to be discussed in quiet, ominous overtones, but rather discussed briefly and to the point, just before the commencement of running. That the movie about giant ants was the first to co-opt that particular pronoun fills me with delight.
Of course since it's 1954 you can't get into these kind of shenanigans without a totally awesome stereotypical scientist, preferably white-haired and sporting a surprisingly hot daughter. We get both with Dr. Harold Medford, who busts onto the scene with one of the best sciency schticks 50's sci fi had to offer: the "I will say nothing until I have all the facts!" schtick. The thing is, he already knows it's giant ants, he figured it out right away, but until he's got the proof he isn't going to tell anybody and he doesn't care how weird he looks. So he leads a trio of tough guys out to the desert, secure that his unexplained, cockamamie requests will be honored because he has a hot daughter, and sure enough proof comes stomping along.
As the trusty gang stand around the vanquished ant, Dr. Medford can finally deliver his speech, culminating with the movie scientist's favorite punchline: "we are looking at none other than an enlarged member of the family Formicidae, or... the common ant."
"But that's impossible!" says the no-nonsense, plainclothes fed, instantly removing himself from the pool of people who might sleep with Dr. Medford's daughter. And well she should reject, in my opinion, for if there's one time in life you should hold back from the hackneyed "of course there are no giant ants" rant, it's when you and your pals are standing over the cooling corpse of a GIANT FUCKING ANT.
I do mean this movie respect, it takes itself seriously and presents a genuinely suspenseful story as the good guys try to prevent the spread of the original colony, using good old real-life ant science as their guide. The military is competent, the threat feels real and looming, and the only hitch is that for some reason our heroes are forced to track down the single theatrically drunk man who has managed to spot a swarm of car-sized ants in the middle of LA.
So it does occasionally get silly, but it's also true that the actors never flinch, and the final action scene is cool and scary in a way that you wouldn't think 1954 could pull off. I dig this movie, and I think it's ripe for a remake (and no, I don't mean Starship Troopers).
10 comments:
Wow, I kid you not, when I looked at the blog this morning I experienced momentary terror and actually believed that it might be October first and I forgot to watch a movie! This is what happens with a poor night of sleep and no coffee. It was a joy to see new horror reviews, although I’m always afraid you’re going to experience review burnout before getting to October. JSP, can you add these flicks to the Monster List?
I love your line, ‘"But that's impossible!" says the no-nonsense, plainclothes fed, instantly removing himself from the pool of people who might sleep with Dr. Medford's daughter’ My father always cites this as one of his favorite films, no doubt because he watched it when he was 7 or 8-years old (great parenting, grandma and grandpa!). Its funny how most of these old films follow the cookie-cutter formula of having both a mad scientist and people who deny what’s going on despite overwhelming evidence. I mean, there would be a lot of ant shit around wouldn’t there be? I watched Jaws recently and found myself getting enraged at the mayor who ignores Brody’s warnings. It annoys me that there’s a horror movie called “They”, which is just an unnecessary, confusing title that forces you to say, “Wait, is that Them!? No, wait a sec, It’s They.”
I think there's also a Them, without the exclamation point.
Bleah, just searched They and Them on imdb and there's a bunch of stuff.
Giant ants! If it doesn't have giant ants, forget it.
I hear you on the burnout, but I feel compelled. Sometimes that little bit of OCPD in me isn't so little, you know?
i finally pulled the folders containing screenshots for the four reviews i never wrote out of my documents folder. reading jpx's caveat about burn-out, i wonder, "should i?"
i've gone through a week or two week burnout period every year since Thon 2006. i wonder whether finishing the four from last year would make that more likely to happen this year.
i saw Them! (which really needs to be capitalized and punctuated in a sentence like this) years ago with my mom. i remember liking it, but it's been so long that at this point, i can only remember how frustrating i find the title.
think about it -- the only time anyone is going exclaim "them!" is when asked a Who question, as in "who filled this corpse up with enough formic acid to kill ten men?"
thing is, something the size of the ants in this movie aren't going to creep silently up behind you. you're going to hear them coming and when you see one, chances are the only way you're going to answer such a question with anything other than shitting your pants and screaming, is if you're trying to be clever, as in "them, dipshit."
so by definition, this movie should really be titled, "aaaaaah!" or maybe "aaaaaah! [sphincter opens]"
"who filled this corpse up with enough formic acid to kill ten men?"
*Sigh* I say that every day.
Yes! Write the four reviews! It's just four, what harm could it do? Horrorthon review-preview!
I got more, so I'm doing it regardless.
totally fun movie, and how great to see reviews again! woohoo, pre-horrorthon warmup!
Regarding the ""ripe for a remake" bit:
Eight Legged Freaks tried. Fail. And Kari Wuhrer totally kept her clothes on the whole time. Triple Fail.
Excellent review, though! The discussion of Them! vs. They vs. Them wants me to make a horror movie called "They're!" with giant, mutated linguistics experts who attack people who fuck up "there" vs. "their" vs. "they're."
Dude. That was spiders.
Actually, I thought about 8LF when I was writing that. Two things that would make a difference:
1. Them's plot about finding the mated pairs before they form new colonies is actually pretty great, so I guess my last comment was serious.
2. Don't make your monsters laugh like funny gremlins. Can't believe I have to even say it.
Great review, Them was one of my all time creature feature favorites. I just love seeing reviews off season. Your getting us riled and ready!
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