HHD: Who Shot Haiku Hump Day???? CLIFFHANGERS!!!

As a somewhat fitting close to what amounts to Season 2 of HHD (on the air since December 2008!!!), the topic of the week is The Cliffhanger (not the stupid Stallone movie in the picture, obviously, but the larger concept).

To heighten tension, results will not be posted until at LEAST November 1st, or whichever day becomes convenient after the red tide of bloody October reviews bubbles back into the frothing sea. (Those of you familiar with First or Second Beach in Newport, RI know what I’m talking about. I used to boogie-board through a literally red ocean. Then I’d scrub red seaweed off my balls four hours later.)



I probably need an intervention on digressions (somebody contact A&E for THAT documentary. Fuck, I’m doing it again). In any event, much like last year, we had a fantastic situation where we had a nice hiatus from the weekly intellectually-rewarding toil and drudgery of 17-syllable-brilliance, in order to make way for the eponymous raison d’etre of the blog itself. So this year, in true season-ending fashion, we’re ending it with The Cliffhanger.




Fortunately, none of our Horrorthon contributors got shot. Or discovered Patrick Duffy in the shower. Or woke up and realized it was all a dream. Or discovered it was actually Maggie Simpson by accident. Or found out Vader really is Luke’s father. Or witnessed how Flash Gordon just narrowly and miraculously made it out of that exploding spaceship parked on the rim of an erupting volcano. Or marveled at the fact that Buck Rodgers revealed that he’s gay at the beginning of Season 3*. (SPOILER ALERT! There were spoilers in that last paragraph.)


Any one of these is as good as the other. For the record, I didn’t even watch this whole clip; pretty much just skipped to the end where the heroes pretty much die a very convincing death. There’s no WAY they survived that! Tune in next week…

So here we are: The Cliffhanger. Whether it was Lost, with its weekly patented WTF scenarios (the smoke monster totally just slept with the tropical polar bear, but Not Really Locke just met Actual Locke on the base of the Four-Toed Statue back in 1977, and they’re all going to detonate a hydrogen bomb!!!), to Stallone quite literally hanging off a cliff in true Stallone lips-curled errrrrrhhh fashion (a movie that actually did not have any thematic cliffhangers, interestingly), the trope of the cliffhanger has been with us forever.


Is he coming back??? Was it all just a dream??? Or was it just some shit somebody made up???


To help with the thematic buildup, here’s something to chew on:

Catfreeek is hosting a “Cat-Free for 37 Days!” celebratory gala benefit at the local Stonecutters Shrine. All of Horrorthon is there. Octo (over his spring water) & 50 (over his shot glass of liquid peyote) have been eyeing each other uneasily from across the room all night. JSP and JPX have gotten into a shoving & shouting match, only to have the conflict dissolve into murmurs, a brief exchange of still-in-the-package Underoos, and many furtive, slanty-eyed glances at 50 & Octo. Stan is at the bar, surrounded by a dozen blonde sorority girls, all with tight-fitting Star Wars T-shirts on. Mr. AC, AC, DCD, The Mr. & Julie sit huddled in a corner, poring over their manifesto “How We Will Rid The World Of Doofiness By 2015.” Their eyes cast daggers at JPX & JSP for some reason. The party has an air of forced levity; the tension coloring the atmosphere like the static buildup before a lightning strike.


Whatever. I’ll telegraph my narrative with pictures all I want.

A gunshot rings out. Some screams. The partygoers turn. None of the Horrorthon players are seen. From the shadows, Puffinslayer, nowandzen, G, miko and Jordan slowly emerge from behind party guests, each smiling in a very mysterious, quizzical way, looking down at the victim. They turn meaningfully to each other as....................[quick black fade]

Love you all. See you in November with The Answer.



* = obviously, there was no Season 3 of Buck Rodgers. That whole Searcher bullshit in Season 2 was the death knell. The hammer blow was really when Erin Grey went brunette in Episode 8 or whatever of Season 1. For the record. And here’s an Erin Grey money shot, because I want to.)