Chopping Mall

(1986)**1/2

A group of horny teens hide in their local shopping mall in order to party once the place closes for the evening. Sure, why not. Unfortunately they happen to plan this on the very night that a new security system has been installed. The security system involves 3 ED-209-like robots that parole the place like they own the joint. For some reason the robots are equipped with lethal weapons, such as lasers, to deal with any trespassers. The security system also involves steel doors that lock at 12am and don’t open until the morning. After a well placed lightening bolt strikes the roof of the mall the robots malfunction and are sent into kill-mode. After boozing it up and getting laid, the partying teens learn the hard way that their evening has just taken a turn for the worse. In order to deal with this terrible threat they must take Dawn of the Dead-like shopping mall action.


Why do I look like every robot from the 1980s?

Yes, this is every bit as dumb as it sounds but it gains some extra points for being a very 80s movie in look, tone, and dialogue. This is one of those films where you yell at the screen the entire time in order to inform the characters that they are making stupid decisions, smugly knowing that you would easily escape the robot menace. It makes me feel like a big man to do so. This is one of those films where after unloading a gun into one of the robots the character throws the empty gun at the robot like a thug attempting to thwart Superman.


2XL could be a relative

The film brings up many unanswered questions such as; why would a mall use such a lethal security force to stop trespassers? Why don’t any of the characters ever think to use a public phone? Why not block the escalators, making it impossible for the tread droids to go from floor to floor? Why does every robot from the 80s look the same? And so on. Still, despite the incredible goofiness factor, there is still a lot to enjoy here (*cough* *cough* boobs).


That robot from Rocky IV could be a relative