(1961) **1/2This movie has the questionable distinction of being the first and only Danish giant monster movie. In addition to having a cult following in its native country, there are a handful of monster movie enthusiasts in this country who swear by it as well. When I asked after this at Eddie Brandt's the counter guy didn't even look it up, saying "Oh yeah, we have that on dvd. I love Reptilicus."
And I the only reason I asked about it in the first place was because one of the sculptors I work with mentioned it after I told him about Horrorthon. He and an animator I know, let's call them Scott and Tom (for those are their actual names), got so wrapped up in a Reptilicus fanboy discussion they decided to do this:
I myself have fond memories of an enticing Reptilicus still in a Barrington Library book about monster flicks. Later the movie came around on Creature Double Feature, which back in the Stone Age before video stores always felt like a freaking miracle. However, I must admit after my recent viewing that finding the nostalgic soft spot for this flick does take a little effort.
There are a couple noticable moments of quality, and the initial discovery is one of them. Drilling in Lapland, a prettyboy miner scrapes muck off of the drill after they pull it from the ground, and suddenly sees that there is blood all over his hands. "There's blood... on the drill!" Eww, creepy!
What you've got here is your pretty basic monster movie formula (discovery -> boring science -> rampage), with a generous amount of padding thrown in. Hilarious, snoozifying padding. 50P has already covered the zany antics of "Peterson" in his review, so I'll take a look at the rest.
Apparently in Denmark the list of Eminent Sciences who can tackle Matters of the Unknown is pretty short, because they send the frozen piece of mysterious monster to one Otto Martens, boss of the Danish Aquarium in Copenhagen. Seriously, Denmark, the aquarium? You don't have one paleontologist among you? Someone who, I don't know -- might know stuff about a specimen found nowhere near the ocean?
Incidentally, the man is a seriously ugly fishfucker.
How Danish Reed Richards here seems to spend most of his work time is by bandying inappropriate comments with his daughters. When he asks one of them to pick up Prettyboy Miner at the airport and she asks how she's supposed to recognize him, he says "Darling, do I have to tell you how to find a man? Heh heh heh." I looked at 50 and said "did he just call his daughter a slut?"
Well it turns out they're both sluts, as the blonde one shows up and claims half of that rugged slab of Danish miner and somehow nudges her sister out of the rest of the movie. Dr. Dalby, the white-haired scientist back there with the goofy grin, actually says "I envy that young man." Let's take a look at the subtext of that comment:
Martens: You probably could, they're total sluts! Hey, let's go pee on the dolphins again.
I've become very intrigued by a new fact I learned from Wikipedia about Reptilicus: it's two different movies, the original Danish version and the American one, wrapped around the same monster footage. It differs from the American version of the original Gojira, which shoehorned Raymond Burr in with some extra scenes. In Reptilicus all of the footage of the characters was re-shot in English (with a nearly identical cast) by the American producer. From Wiki: "This version was initially deemed virtually unreleasable by American International Pictures and had to be extensively reworked by the film's Danish-American screenwriter, Ib Melchior, before being finally released in America in 1962."
Needless to say I'm very interested in watching the Danish version now. I wonder how it treats one of my love/hate tropes of movies from this era of horror: the obnoxious American who shows up and starts barking orders. Because in the American version they play that trope to the hilt. When we meet the man who's been narrating the movie occasionally, the warmhearted tone he affects in his voiceovers is replaced by a perpetual scowl gripping his doughy face.
This guy is so needlessly honked off and entitled and mush-faced, he's like the crankiest great aunt you ever had to endure as a kid. All this while his hosts are nothing but pleasant and charming, even providing him with his own blonde.
"Shut up bitch, I just ate my sister."
They proceed to the inevitable press conference filled with eager, sycophantic reporters who can't believe the luck they've been handed to meet the boss of the aquarium. (Where in the real world are the scientists who get this treatment? Who's going to be the lucky bastard who gets top billing when we actually dig up a living monster? According to all these monster movies, we're already supposed to know. But I sure don't.)
During the press conference, a disembodied voice asks "what are you going to call it?" Then when Dr. Martens draws a blank, a person who's actually in the room suggests Reptilicus Martens, sparking a hideous bout of laughter from the Doctor.
"Huh huh ho... no, Reptilicus will be just fine. Yesss, Reptilicus it is!"
This is why we're better than Denmark. In America the reporters name the phenomenons without asking anyone's damn permission, and the audience is informed with a proper spinning newspaper instead of a grinning troll in a bow tie.
When the reporters view the monster brewing in its tank, you get the first real feel for the disconnect between the people footage and the monster footage. Here they are clamoring to get their first look at this mysterious miracle of biology.
Here's what they get:
Yeah it's basically the most boring room you ever saw. Every detail is mundane.
There's actually a meagre flow of darkish fluid in those tubes, but it's so barely there it just makes you feel worse.
Meanwhile Colonel Grouchy McSourpants is sitting around getting more and more cranky.
One of the people he doesn't hate (American) suggests he try spending time outside of his little office, which leads to the most gratuitous slab of unabashed padding in the movie -- or perhaps any movie.
Immediatly shedding his bad attitude, the Colonel starts talking to us in nice voiceover tones about how he and his blonde checked out the city. And then suddenly you're looking at stock footage of Copenhagen while the two of them banter in a playful voiceover about each of the changing clips.
(Footage of people on bicycles)
Her: So many bikes!
Him: They say the Danes are born on bicycles
Her: Ha ha, that's true!
Him: Oh, I invited Captain Brandt to join us for dinner. We'll go to Tivoli! It's the perfect place.
Let's not mention the full song performed by THE Birthe Wilke (playing herself!), but rather review the procedural steps taken by the Aquarium. Get frozen specimen, hire buffoonish watchman, fuck up worse than buffoonish watchman by leaving the freezer door open and falling asleep at your desk (nice one, Dr. Dalby.)
Then, when it turns out the specimen is not ruined but actually regenerating, hold a press conference and put it in a nutrient tank. Be sure to speculate about how impressively long this monster was back in the day. Then later act surprised that (one) you left Dr. Dalby in charge again and things went completely sideways...
... and (two) that the piece of giant monster that you have growing in a tank grew into a giant monster.
Finally the beast bursts forth and the good guys summon a couple of jeeps and a bunch of stock military footage. They drive around the countryside looking for the giant monster. (Why is that a factor in so many giant monster movies? They have to go find the giant monster?) But pretty soon they do and it's horrible to behold.
And so we get to the heart of Reptilicus, a decently-designed but truly pathetic to watch marionette, which as far as I could tell was operated by a single string coming off of its head. When 50P described this bad boy as "drunkenly smacking his head into buildings," he wasn't kidding.
Apparently there's a scene in the Danish version wherein Reptilicus actually flies, but it was removed from the American version because it didn't look realistic enough. Which of course makes that the number one reason I want to watch it, because seeing what made the cut makes me damn curious to see what didn't.
Another addition to the American version was the acid slime, which was animated over the preexisting puppet footage. Nowhere is there footage of anyone actually reacting to the slime, it just occasionally takes out some people (presumbably) by filling the entire frame.
What has amazed me watching this and The Boogens this year is that I can actually recall seeing these same images and just loving them. What is it about watching stuff when you're a kid? You'll watch anything! And you'll grant it ridiculous endless license to successfully sell you whatever it says it's got.
Yeah! That's right! It's a dragon that spits acid and regenerates! I mean, the idea is good, right? As a kid I could champion that, just like I studied all the puny monster details in The Boogens and put together an decent amalgam of the monster in my head. I probably even gave Reptilicus a pass when it pulled this:
Even as an eight-year-old I noticed the abysmal job somebody did of simply cutting out the image of the man above. Were you using garden shears? Cripes.
When examined, monster rampages often follow a similar plotline unto themselves, mainly: attack, retreat underwater, bigger attack. As clumsy as the puppeteering on this monster is on land, at least it exists. When they shot the underwater scenes it's obvious they had no idea how to make the thing move, so the monster just lies there motionless, wishing he were a better monster.
Fortunately the Colonel's new girlfriend reminds him that blowing the critter up underwater means lots of pieces of monster that could grow up into new ones. Here's his reaction.
I had to wonder here why Reptilicus doesn't just swim away somewhere else. He's not native to Denmark, and they're already geared up to shoot him, so why not wander to England and eat some paper people there?
But no, of course he comes back, that's the "bigger rampage" I mentioned above. He flops around miniature versions of some of the tourist attractions we saw earlier, including a beautifully laughable attempt to make some sense out of his useless, fixed forepaws. If you missed them you can see them in the corner of the picture below, looking like Reptilicus is making air quotes.
The Colonel hatches a plan that... for yet another time I wondered why this actor was... oh, heck. I just want to show another picture of this guy's nose.
For reasons I can't bother to get into, an army guy distracts the beast by plowing at it with his jeep. Here are those paws in action:
In closing, I present this cool still I just found of the deleted flying scene.
I have to say I love this, especially in black and white. Looks like an Edward Gorey drawing. Reptilicus is, in some ways, a good-looking monster.
Sure, he's still the thalidomide monster with those little feet, and you're never going to buy it. But don't you want to buy it, at least a little?
13 comments:
it helps that Reptilicus looks supremely bored in the 'awesome' picture.
That was some review! I does my heart good to see the passion you have for these monster movies. I love them too. I cannot even begin to tell you the ribbing I got from my sister and her friends as I sat firmly planted in front of the tv each Saturday watching the creature double feature. Maybe next year I will tackle some of them.
"the audience is informed with a proper spinning newspaper instead of a grinning troll in a bow tie." ~damn straight!
octopunk, you put the "high" in "high-larious." outstanding review.
Reptilicus: Review-icus Awesome-icus.
"Colonel Grouchy McSourpants."
More evidence for why Octo is one of my favortie writers.
“What is it about watching stuff when you're a kid? You'll watch anything! And you'll grant it ridiculous endless license to successfully sell you whatever it says it's got.”
Man, you said a mouthful! When I was a kid I was terrified by the Sleestaks in Land of the Lost. I vividly recall watching the show and hoping against hope that the characters wouldn’t go into the Sleestak cave and have a Sleestaky encounter. The “Hssssssssss” sound they made chilled me to the bones. It’s always somewhat of a bummer when you return to something that excited/frightened you as a child and find that it’s, well, just silly.
Excellent, hilarious review! Fortunately I had a patient cancel and I was able to devote some time to reading it. I love the picture captions and what the hell was going on with that guy’s nose? That’s the worst nose I’ve ever seen. I think you win the prize for longest post ever on Horrorthon!
So, Stan (*cough cough*) it's October 19th, when are we getting a review out of you?
So, (*cough, cough*)...I'm-a cookin-a somethin' up.
(I've got three in their larval stage. They have yet to become butterflies. I'm trying, though.)
Funniest review ever! I laughed out loud numerous times - fantastic!
I'm pretty sure that reading your review is vastly more enjoyable than sitting through the actual movie could ever be. I don't feel that I ever have to see it. (Although if I stumbled into it on a rainy Sunday I would likely get sucked in.)
I loved the pictures, especially the "smile that makes kittens die" and "bad breath" reprise.
i get a cramp trying to scroll through your review.
Love every single bit! Except that hideous nose.
Awesome review! Thanks for thinking of me with the pic!
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