Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Female Vampire

(1973) ***

Plot: On a French island a vampire feeds on the cum of her victims to stay alive.

Cast of characters:

Countess Irina von Karlstein: Mute vampire with an abnormally hairy vagina. Kills her victims just as they orgasm by sucking the cum out of them (not clear why or how they die from this). Her victims are both male and female. After her victims have stopped breathing she has sex with the males and masturbates while lying on top of the females (the camera zooms in closely on her pleasuring herself). She also enjoys masturbating with bedposts and body pillows. Additionally, she likes to have something in her mouth at all times, such as a penis, a vagina, her thumb, or a bedpost. She has two outfits: a long white, sheer, lace dress, worn commando (this is her public outfit); and a black cape, no top or bottom, a black belt, and tight black knee-high boots (this is her killing outfit).

Mustache Man: Reads a book about the island. Mumbles. Shaves. Mumbles. Falls in love with the countess. Mumbles. Dies while having an orgasm.

Older, heavier John Travolta lookalike from Grease: Sits at his desk and looks like an older heavier John Travolta from Grease.

Longhaired doctor: Performs autopsy on the countess’s first victim. Tells the Travolta lookalike that the victim was killed by having his semen sucked out of him by a vampire while climaxing. He is laughed out of the station.

Blind doctor: Teams up with the longhaired doctor to try and stop the countess. Stares at the ceiling as he talks. Performs an autopsy on a dead woman by shoving his hand up her vagina, then mumbles a lengthy dialogue possibly about the end of the world.

Some final words:

I’m not sure if three stars is the appropriate rating. This was definitely so bad it’s good, and I laughed out loud a number of times. This was more of a porn and less of a horror film, but apparently there are different versions, with some focusing on the horror and cutting out the porn. I noticed that the extra scenes on the DVD showed the victims in each of the death scenes die by getting bit in the neck instead of from oral. I imagine these are the scenes from the tamer version.


Catfreeek said...

What a great find Whirly this has to get the most obscure award this year. Your review had me in stitches. Can't imagine and can't wait to see what you post next.

AC said...

i'll bet the version cutting out the porn has a 20-minute run time!

totally agree with cat, you are watching the most obscure, and most varied, movies!

50PageMcGee said...

um, is that what i think it is on the cover?

wow, right there on the cover. the french are pretty scandalous.

DCD said...

Admit it, Whirly, you just really wanted to watch some porn.

Sorry, sorry - it was too easy.

This is hilarious and I can't believe what you are finding this year!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I'm speechless! This might be your funniest review yet.

JPX said...

Whirlygirl, I am shocked and appalled! I've notice that each of your movie choices has included increasing amounts of nudity/sex. You said that you were going to choose to watch French horror this year, I think you really just want to watch sex movies! Seriously, though, this is your funniest review to date and the funniest review I've read this year. Keep up the good work. Perhaps your next "horror" movie will include a three-some?

Whirlygirl said...

Too late, almost all of them have had threesomes.

Octopunk said...

I'm very impressed by the longhaired doctor. A diagnosis of " killed by having his semen sucked out of him by a vampire while climaxing" cannot, I imagine, be an easy one to deduce.

Really funny review, Whirly. But if they've all had threesomes then you're not posting the right pictures.

Landshark said...

This type of review makes this blog so fucking fun.

As for the movie itself, like JSP, I find that words fail me. Just too much awesomeness.