At first glance it’s tempting to dismiss Hard Rock Zombies as low budget butt paste. I certainly won’t recommend it to you with a straight face. Alas, it even fails the so-bad-its-good test. On the other hand there are so many peculiarities and WTF moments that I already find myself looking back on it fondly.
Originally a short film played before the feature length at drive-in theaters (the “opening act”, if you will), it took a great deal of padding to flesh this out into a full movie. This means that when fictional band Holy Moses starts playing their “hard rock” (think Air Supply) tunes, you’re going to hear the song in its entirety. This also means that there is a montage consisting of footage that was aired only ten minutes prior. It also means that you must endure an endless barrage of silliness that should never have seen the light of day.
It begins with Holy Moses rocking out on tour. Front man Jessie gets a strange warning from a fan (whom he eventually falls in love with) to cancel their gig in Grand Guignol. He probably would have taken her warning seriously had she added “because homicidal murderers that hate rock music live there” instead of running off.
The rednecks of Grand Guignol are extremely threatened by rock music and they hold a town meeting to discuss banning it, citing the dangers of hidden messages and sexuality. One concerned woman testifies “My National Enquirer says that musicians cannot play a single note unless they eat drugs first”. The ban is successful.
After a cheesy Monkees-style romp, the gang is convinced by a sexy blonde to stay with her family for the evening. Did I mention that her family consists of a pair of midgets, a werewolf and Adolf Hitler himself? Did I mention that this movie is hopelessly idiotic? Turns out Hitler lived through WWII, settled down in a hick town of California and raised a family of circus freaks that murder outsiders. I suppose he could have done worse. One by one the band members are killed (one in a reverse-Psycho shower scene, another with a weed whacker).
The band members return as zombies that resemble KISS. I have no doubt that if Hard Rock Zombies made even a slight profit then Gene Simmons would have sued faster than I could type this sentence. Anyway the rock zombies exact revenge on Hitler and his family. Then Hitler and his family return as zombies and must then be killed again. At this point I threw my hands up and said “what the HELL am I watching?” Things get extremely stupid for about 45 minutes but then reaches what turns out to be an entertaining finale. Questions?
6 comments:
Wait a minute, "the rock zombies exact revenge on Hitler and his family. Then Hitler and his family return as zombies and must then be killed again." So do the rock zombies then have to kill the Hitler zombies? I'm confused.
My brain is battling itself. On the one hand I find myself saying, "This sounds like the worst movie ever!" On the other hand I'm thinking, "I need to see this post haste!" My brain hurts.
Hysterical review, as always, JSP!
That whole last paragraph is genius. Are you sure it's not so-bad-its-good? Cause it sounds that way!
I agree, this does sound like a not so bad it's good.
Absolutely hysterical review! I'm still laughing about "butt paste."
Catfreeek I'm confused too. The more I think about it the less sense it makes. It's just that kind of movie.
You're review is so good, it makes me think watching the movie would be enjoyable. Actually I think watching the movie just to reminisce about your review would be down right fun!
Post a Comment