(2008) **Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it.
A Fish Called Wanda
Many men have made jokes over the years about reading Playboy, "for the articles." Know why nobody ever makes those jokes about Hustler? Because the articles in Hustler suck ass. It's all hackish political commentary -- poorly written, unclever satire and inflammatory talking points, catering to a meatheaded libertarian segment of the population who isn't reading it anyway because -- hey look, tits.People like that are going to love Zombie Strippers. And why wouldn't they? It's got zombies and strippers. It says so, right there in the title. Skeptical people (meaning, by and large, people who aren't reading this blog) might ask why I'm the least bit surprised that a movie called "Zombie Strippers," sucked -- truth is, I'm not surprised at all. I knew going in that the odds that it was going to be anything other that stupid, gory, and boob-filled were really slim. I'm not surprised. I'm disappointed.
I'm disappointed because there's absolutely a market for movies that are stupid, gory and boob-filled, but are actually good. And the reason I know there is, is that I would watch the shit out of such a movie. I'm disappointed the way I was when I realized that Trick 'r Treat wasn't going to get to call itself Trick or Treat, because it had already been scooped by another movie which had absolutely nothing to do with Halloween. The fact that Jenna Jameson and Jay Lee made a bad movie called "Zombie Strippers" means that now Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodiguez can't make a good one.
The story is that during the fourth term of the Bush Administration, we've committed ourselves to conflicts in so many parts of the globe that we've maxed out on our pool of able-bodied soldiers. Looking to stretch those resources a little further, scientists at CheneyCo Laboratories have developed a "chemo virus" designed to reanimate dead soldiers. There's a zombie outbreak at the lab, and one of the soldiers called in to quell the outbreak gets bitten, and eventually winds up in a strip club. He bites the star stripper, Kat, on the neck. She dies, and then reanimates, still with the powers of speech and with way better stripper skills. The crowd loves her. Envious of Kat's new popularity, the other strippers offer themselves up to be infected.
There's more [snicker] to the plot than that, but who cares? Much of the run time that I wasn't spending with my hands to my face and shaking my head, is devoted to pole dancing, which I have no particular problem with, except the dancers are noticeably more decomposed every time they take the stage. The decomposition doesn't seem to affect their dancing at all, and it turns out that fake tits hold their shape whether they're on a zombie or a pornstar.
But there's way too much running time spent offstage on the "plot" to make this anywhere close to satisfactory. The dialogue is schlocky. The performances by everyone not named Robert Englund are low B-level. Jokes seem to be limited almost exclusively to "the Bush administration is evil/stupid," and "strippers read philosophy." Every time someone opens their mouth to speak, it's a misfire. It makes getting through Zombie Strippers a struggle. It's not fun. And fun is exactly what 90 minutes of zombies and boobs should be.
10 comments:
there's an old Harvard Lampoon issue i have in a collection somewhere -- cover to cover, it's a parody of an obliviously unfunny college "humor" paper called "Hardy-Har." all of the jokes fall completely flat and there's this running gag about "med school students" throughout the whole issue that's never explained.
the joke is that, as far as Hardy-Har is concerned, the humor of "med school students" is entirely self explanatory. one need only say, "yeah, you would be...if you were a *med school* student!" and laughter would obviously ensue.
that's what the whole Bush thing is like in this movie. and that, in some form or another, is what bugged me the most about Zombie Strippers. it makes jokes with no punchlines, expecting the intrinsic humor of the words "George Bush" to carry the day.
Well, there is a lot of intrinsic humor in the words "George Bush", but I see your point. I'm intrigued by the fact that being zombies made them better strippers.
:Removing from queue: *click* Sorry Tony.
"Envious of Kat's new popularity, the other strippers offer themselves up to be infected."
Hysterical! What goals they have.
Yeah, pretty much all spot on.
The Hustler analogy is perfect.
by the way, great review landshark. i posted a comment.
I too am amused by one's abilities improving with zombification. Reminds me of the gag on The Critic when the ghost of Orson Welles interrupts his inspirational message to the main character with a commercial for Mrs. Smith's fish sticks.
"Mmm, chomp chomp. They're even better when you're dead!"
Hmm, one of my friends has been trying to get me to watch this movie for years. Your posting sounds like it doesn't live up to his hype. Though I should quote his hyper here, let me find that old email. Ahh, here it is: "(Zombie Strippers is) amusing, though rather bad. *I enjoyed it, but I wouldn't really recommend it to most people--there's just this great scene where two zombie strippers are fighting and one starts shooting the other with pool balls that she put up her... um... you know"
yeah, there are way better reasons to watch a movie, and better reasons not to watch this one.
you can see girls sticking things into their cooters on youtube, so you don't have to sit through a crappy movie to see it happen.
the joke is that, as far as Hardy-Har is concerned, the humor of "med school students" is entirely self explanatory. one need only say, "yeah, you would be...if you were a *med school* student!" and laughter would obviously ensue.
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