Friday, March 31, 2006

Tom Sawyer likes the way you paint

From Starwars, '"Asteroid Beltway pundits have been closely watching the heated race for the presidency of Hyperspace: The Official Star Wars Fan Club. Despite the fact that Corellian pollsters have been reluctant to quote the odds of the outcome, the starwars.com Homing Beacon has pegged two clear front-runners in a race that is still up for grabs.

If the election were held tomorrow... well, there'd be a lot of confusion, because this presidency is not determined by election. Rather, it's part of a recruitment contest currently being held by starwars.com Hyperspace. The fan who recruits the most members into the Fan Club will be awarded with the title for a year, an all-expense paid trip to Comic-Con International 2006 in San Diego, a guest editor position for an issue of Star Wars Insider, online VIP status and more. (Click here for details).

Running neck-and-neck for the high office are Tommy "uscwannabe" Costabile and Dustin "dustin@rebelscum.com" Roberts, outspoken candidates who are reaching out to the fan community to make their dreams of presidency a reality.

"Well obviously, my track record speaks for itself. I stand head, shoulders, knees and toes above the other... wait a second. There's other people competing?!" said Roberts, who has announced stalwart astromech R2-D2 as his running mate.

Costabile, bedecked in a natty black robe, is running alone despite past proclamations that there should always be two, a master and apprentice. "I have the ability to run this presidency in this post Clone War-era, which is essential to the preservation of the peace the great Emperor Palpatine has created. I myself have overheard the Emperor discussing the Senate's dissolution. Too many people in power leads to horrific, horrific situations. I can assure this will not be the case while I'm around! I offer a future!" Costabile punctuated his statements with protracting cackling and impressive display of static electricity.

Though both candidates have varying views on the tough issues of Gungan-control, Jedi marriages, and the teaching of midi-chlorians in school, they are in agreement that the Fan Club President position should belong to a true Star Wars fan.

"When you say a 'real fan,' which do you mean?" asked Roberts, known to some as DLR. "Those ├╝ber-dorky, forum-trolling, Natalie-drooling, lightsaber-waving fans, or the film school elitist that can explain the hegemonic ethos of the Jedi? Cuz' I can relate to them all. They're my peeps!"

"Having a president that doesn't know much about Star Wars would be the equivalent of putting C-3PO in charge of the Jedi Order," said Costabile. "It must not happen!"

Roberts has been making waves by enlisting a number of fan sites to spread his message of presidency. "There's no one else that can be more DLR-er than I. You may have some Dustins running, or some Robertses. But when it comes right down to it, just remember you can't spell 'leader' without DLR."

Costabile is not fazed at all by Roberts' campaigning, and balks at any notion of campaign spending caps. "When Empreror Palpatine was just a Chancellor fighting the oppression of the Separatists, did anyone tell him we didn't have enough money? No way, Weequay!"

Though both stand at the top of the frequently updating leaderboard that is tracking current recruitment levels, the contest is still wide open. The presidency could go to you, newsletter reader, if you know of fans, friends and family that would be willing to enter your screen name as the person who prompted them to sign up or renew their Hyperspace membership. Besides, a year's worth of Hyperspace makes a great gift... and according to our crafty astromech's calculations, a run for the presidency may actually be cheaper than a flight and accommodations at this year's Comic-Con...

...But we'll leave that kind of calculation to the politically minded. The contest continues until May, and till then, it's anybody's guess as to who will step up to the enormous podium in the Hyperspace rotunda and address his dellow felegates.

"This is what we're fighting for," says Costabile. "To be the leader of the greatest Fan Club in the history of Fan Clubs!"'

1 comment:

Octopunk said...

I'm voting for DLR, man. His jokes are funnier. And he's from Rebelscum.com.

Of course, I'm doing nothing of the sort.

I was expecting to read this and think GEEKS!, but this was actually pretty funny.