The worst movie of all time?

From filmstalker, Akin to the insatiable quest for perfect supermarket produce, I too have an endless search. One that – as of last evening – finally reached blessed fruition.

I found the worst movie of all time.

Now, before I hear cinema-philes lobby for Roberto Benigini in ‘Pinocchio,’ Sly Stallone’s classic ‘Throw Mamma From the Train,’ or the kegger favorite that was ‘Yu-Gi-Oh the Movie,’ I challenge one and all to the refuse that is ‘Pirates of Ghost Island.’ Did I mention there is no true script?

There is, however, a plot here. Well, sort of. Six college-aged stereotypes get stuck on a remote island that…bum bum buuuuuuuum…is haunted by bloodthirsty, flesh-eating pirate ghosts from the 17th Century.

We’re likewise led to believe – thanks to the worst cinematic prelude in film history – these said pirates are cursed by an evil spirit, both stranded on the island for eternity plus tasked with adding shipwrecked individuals to their ‘crew.’ Then eating them. (Huh?)

The stereotypes? Three guys and three girls, none of which can recall how they ended up on the Isle o’ Doom. We’ve got: a) the strong, sensitive guy (aka ‘the leader’); b) the idiot jock; c) the fashion conscious gay dude; d) the English major (romantically linked to ‘the leader’); e) the sorority girl with enormous breasts; and finally, f) some random 6’2’’ Swedish girl. We thank the director for Swedish girl in particular.

‘Pirates’ goes of its way to get the worst out of all its atrocious talent. ‘Fact is,’ you’ll hear those two words uttered a million time by the gay guy…and then others in the cast who – viral-like -- pick up this phrase of choice. At some point sorority Jane can’t take it anymore, and begins to ad-lib rant about this idiotic phrase. (Editor’s note: New drinking game = down alcohol for every ‘Fact is’ uttered on-screen.)

Even Swedish girl gets in on the phrase fun. Backed by a wonderfully foreign accent, her token phrase is an equally satisfying drinking game waiting to happen: “I want to go hooooome,” about 10 times over. Yup, hooooome to Vilhelmina, perhaps.

The pirate captain? Captain Morgan. Yes, Captain F’IN MORGAN. Several overt rum jokes later random placement of an empty Captain Morgan Rum box on the island, and – ‘fact is’ – I’m left thinking the director finds him/herself FAR too clever.

I know this is an indie film, but D-A-M-N; I’ve seen better special effects at puppet shows. The evil spirit is a blue light with bars. And a bad accent. Death scenes resemble Halloween Haunted Hayride variety. Never before have rubberized faces…looked so…rubbery. Dig the Tangerine Dream-esque piano/synthesizer soundtrack.

Camera zooms in, out, in, out. Screen ratios change in tandem, leaving one big, rum-inspired headache. Moreover, nothing says horror flick like PowerPoint screen flip effects.

Acting? Y’arrrr. Pirate killed in the prelude returns as a hippie Kamikaze ghost at the movie’s end. Wearing the same glasses throughout. His ghost optometrist would be proud.

In sum: ‘Pirates of Ghost Island’ is one of those movies so utterly bad, it screams of the need to share it with friends accompanied by a hefty dose of alcohol. Mail it to friends/family out of state, continue its horrific legacy. Heck, everyone deserves their fair shake of watching ‘Dawn,’ the bikini-clad, 6’2’’ Swedish chick, torn to rubbery, ketchup shreds by angry vegetation. ‘Fact is,’ this is so bad…it’s bad.