Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Alone in the Dark


(2005) *1/2

Mark my words, I guarantee that 50 years from now director Uwe Boll will be regarded as the Ed Wood of our time. I know this because I’ve suffered through both House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. I must admit that I’m shocked Boll was able to get funding for a second film after such a shockingly poor directorial debut. It would seem that Boll did not learn anything from his initial abysmal outing. His sophomore effort is not an improvement over House of the Dead. It’s almost as if Boll thought, “Wow, House of he Dead was so good I’m not going to change a thing!” Like House of the Dead we get an overly complicated story. So complicated in fact, that we’re treated to a long Mystery Science Theater 3000-like opening scroll that attempts to catch us up to speed. I lost interest after the first paragraph was read. From what I could glean, horrible-CG-looking creatures are on the loose and must be destroyed. Apparently these creatures were once controlled by a now-extinct race of Indians. Christian Slater is a paranormal investigator who, with the help of his scientist friend Tara Reid (sporting glasses to look smart), his formal Government nemesis, and a secret branch of the military, sets out to rid the world of these vicious monsters. Boll heavily rips off The Matrix, Constantine, Hell Boy, and Starship Troopers just to name a few. This is the kind of movie where a lame car chase leads to a fruit stand being knocked over, I mean, nobody ever goes back to pick up the oranges! For those who have ever wondered what the hell ever happened to Christian Slater, wonder no more folks, he’s the star of this abomination. Older, fatter, and with less hair, Slater brings nothing to the table. How did this guy go from such a promising start in Heathers to this rubbish? Also, Tara Reid is such a poor actress that it’s distracting.

As I’ve noted previously, I don’t feel that CG has a place in horror and Alone in the Dark is no exception. This is especially true when the climax of your picture involves fighting poorly rendered CG creatures. Boll also replicated the worst part of House of the Dead. During the climactic battle he showed scenes from the videogame Alone in the Dark. It was so dizzying that I almost had a seizure. I’m giving this an extra half star because it’s almost (almost) so bad that it’s good.

7 comments:

Octopunk said...

JPX made me watch House of the Dead in 2003 and I fell asleep in the theater. I'm doing a "Uwe Boll Film Festival" later in the month. Because I love the blunt-force trauma of that oxymoron.

Octopunk said...

Oh, and Tara Reid is my least favorite actress currently working. I saw one review of Alone in the Dark that referred to her as "the rancid Reid."

JPX said...

At least Octopunk can now appreciate that the reason he was forced to watch House of the Dead (and became quite crabby about it), was because JPX was involved in the great Horrorthon of 03. Sacrifce everything!

Summerisle said...

Gotta echo Octo's hatred for Tara Reid. Shouldn't her 5 minutes be over by now?

I don't think Christian Slater suddenly became a crappy actor. I think his legal woes blacklisted him from the better directors and movies. But he had a good run...

JPX said...

Good run? What else has Slater done that was good? Pump Up the Volume? Didn't he get into trouble recently for grabbing some woman's ass on the street?

Octopunk said...

Dude, I love Pump Up the Volume! I also used to have a thing for Samantha Mathis, but I'm less proud of that.

Octopunk said...

Also: the main difference between Ed Wood and Uwe Boll is that for some inexplicable reason people keep giving Boll money. He's shooting two flicks right now with actors like Jason Statham and Ben Kingsley. How does that happen?