Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Alone in the Dark
Mark my words, I guarantee that 50 years from now director Uwe Boll will be regarded as the Ed Wood of our time. I know this because I’ve suffered through both House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. I must admit that I’m shocked Boll was able to get funding for a second film after such a shockingly poor directorial debut. It would seem that Boll did not learn anything from his initial abysmal outing. His sophomore effort is not an improvement over House of the Dead. It’s almost as if Boll thought, “Wow, House of he Dead was so good I’m not going to change a thing!” Like House of the Dead we get an overly complicated story. So complicated in fact, that we’re treated to a long Mystery Science Theater 3000-like opening scroll that attempts to catch us up to speed. I lost interest after the first paragraph was read. From what I could glean, horrible-CG-looking creatures are on the loose and must be destroyed. Apparently these creatures were once controlled by a now-extinct race of Indians. Christian Slater is a paranormal investigator who, with the help of his scientist friend Tara Reid (sporting glasses to look smart), his formal Government nemesis, and a secret branch of the military, sets out to rid the world of these vicious monsters. Boll heavily rips off The Matrix, Constantine, Hell Boy, and Starship Troopers just to name a few. This is the kind of movie where a lame car chase leads to a fruit stand being knocked over, I mean, nobody ever goes back to pick up the oranges! For those who have ever wondered what the hell ever happened to Christian Slater, wonder no more folks, he’s the star of this abomination. Older, fatter, and with less hair, Slater brings nothing to the table. How did this guy go from such a promising start in Heathers to this rubbish? Also, Tara Reid is such a poor actress that it’s distracting.
As I’ve noted previously, I don’t feel that CG has a place in horror and Alone in the Dark is no exception. This is especially true when the climax of your picture involves fighting poorly rendered CG creatures. Boll also replicated the worst part of House of the Dead. During the climactic battle he showed scenes from the videogame Alone in the Dark. It was so dizzying that I almost had a seizure. I’m giving this an extra half star because it’s almost (almost) so bad that it’s good.