Zombie 4

(1988) *

Realistically, there are about 9 people on earth who have thought recently “Perhaps I should check out Zombie 4”. This is for them:

No, don’t watch Zombie 4. Just turn around right now mister and forget you ever even heard about Zombie 4. Yes you. Just keep on walking…

So apparently, the smartest white scientists in the world are sent to an island somewhere with the goal of conquering mankind’s greatest nemesis – DEATH! The scientists discover a black high priest who experiments with creating the undead and they yell at him and then kill him. They find a mystical evil book that states (loosely paraphrased, forgive me) “To open up the doors of Hell today, these four words you must say”. Why oh why would they continue to read the words? Stupidly, they do so and find themselves surrounded by zombies drooling blood that have a fondness for peeling skin.

Make no bones about it, this is a terrible, terrible movie. Here are some of the more pressing problems: grossly inappropriate Survivor cover band music, talking zombies, unbelievably half-assed English dubbing, glaring plot inconsistencies, etc. Oh yeah, and when are these assholes gonna learn? YOU HAVE TO SHOOT ZOMBIES IN THE HEAD! Even my mother knows that.

Please note: There will be no viewing of Zombie 5: Killing Birds.