Masters of Horror: Pelts (Dario Argento)

(2007)***
Jake (Meat Loaf) is a fur trader obsessed with a dancer in a local titty bar (don’t you just hate the word “titty?”). Although he spends a lot of money on lap dances, he wants more from her, if you know what I mean, wink, wink, sex. His stripper thinks he’s gross and merely puts up with him for all the money he gives her for the dances. How can he get what he wants? As luck would have it a local trapper has recently broken into a weird woman’s farm where he discovered and killed a number of raccoons with perfect coats. After calling Jake to see if he’s interested in acquiring them, Jake reluctantly agrees to meet the trapper at his home, where he resides with his son. Arriving the next day Jake finds both men dead in the most gruesome of ways. Upon seeing the pelts Jake realizes that they are indeed the best pelts he’s ever seen and with the trapper dead he seizes the opportunity to heist them. Bringing the pelts to his factory Jake orders his illegal alien coworkers to create a coat, which he intends to give to the stripper of his affections (God men go through crazy lengths for some, well, you know, wink, wink, pussy). What Jake fails to realize is that the pelts are possessed and the now-dead raccoons are pissed.

This is the second best Masters of Horror episode (John Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns being the best in my opinion). Dario Argento does what he does best, wet and uncomfortable filmmaking. The idea of evil raccoon pelts sounds about as ridiculous as Sara Palin for president but damnit at least this idea works. I laughed when I first saw that the episode stars Meat Loaf, but he does a terrific job playing a sleazy, creepy bastard. This episode of MOH also boasts the most nudity of any episode from the series, not that I care about such things.