Funeral Home

(1981)**

While other kids spend their summers hanging out on the beach and working in retail, Heather chooses to spend her precious vacation time with her creepy grandmother, Maude. It seems that grandma is struggling financially and decided to renovate the family’s old funeral parlor into a B&B. Apparently, duh, converting one business into another requires a lot of work, especially for an old bag. Maude hopes that Heather’s help will ensure a smooth grand opening.


Heather apparently inherited grandma's crazy eyes

Upon arriving Heather quickly realizes that things are kind of weird. First there's the mentally challenged handyman, Billy (of course his name is Billy), who lives in an old shed in the backyard and has the personality of Norman Bates. Then there are stories about grandpa, who disappeared years earlier without a trace. Rumor has it that he took off with a chick while grandma was recovering in the hospital from a "nervous breakdown" (whatever that means).


Grandma is a little nuts

Almost immediately Heather befriends (wink wink) a local boy who won over her affections by providing a ride in his truck when she first arrived in town (yep, it's just that easy, men). Grandma turns out to be a bit of a pill and expresses disapproval over Heather's evening excursions with the new boy toy. One evening after returning from a (wink wink) date Heather hears voices coming from the cellar - it seems that two people are having a fierce argument. Sneaking down in the cellar to spy, Heather knocks over a glass jar making all sorts of noise (Nancy Drew she ain't). After Heather books upstairs grandma emerges from behind a curtain and utters to someone, "Don't touch her, or even go near her! You mustn't let anyone see you." Meanwhile guests begin arriving for the grand opening. Unfortunately stuff like this happens,


I should've stayed in bed this morning!

Bodies start to pile up (actually not that many at all) and the local sheriff is (of course) completely baffled. Just who is murdering the guests? Heather conducts a little sleuthing on her own and makes a terrible discovery.

I had Funeral Home figured out before the opening credits concluded (okay, I'm exaggerating in an effort to be a big man). Still, this mystery is not a hard nut to crack. To its credit it veers off the typical slasher variety horror film and wisely chooses to focus on the quirky denizens of the small town. Despite its obvious rip-off of a much better film, Funeral Home has interesting characters and an idyllic rustic setting. Although it’s instantly forgettable, there are worse things you could do to kill 90 minutes.