Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Amityville 3D


(1983) *1/2

John Baxter makes his living debunking paranormal activity and con artists. When the opportunity to purchase the famous Amityville house presents itself John snaps it up. He acquires the house at a steal because no one else has been willing to live there given the tragic events that occurred in the past (see The Amityville Horror parts 1 and 2). On the day that John moves in he finds his real estate agent dead. It appears to John that his realtor died from a heart attack although we (the audience) watched him perish by a swarm of flies in the previous scene (if he had just kept his mouth shut he would still be alive). John never questions this death even after his girlfriend shows him pictures that she took of the realtor the day before where he is depicted as a corpse in every shot.



Later John returns to his new home after a day at the office only to find his girlfriend in the fetal position screaming. She appears hysterical to John even though we (the audience) saw her attacked by a frosty wind in the previous scene. John never questions this event despite the house’s history. Later on another work day John comes home to find his daughter drowned in the lake. It appears to John that she died in a boating accident with her friends although we (the audience) saw some weird stuff going on when she went out with her friends. Yes, folks, John is a fucking idiot.



Eventually, with the help of his ex-wife, John connects the dots and concludes that the house is indeed evil. In a convoluted climax, a team of paranormal investigators are brought into the house and an old well in the basement is identified as a gateway to hell (?). I’m skipping some stuff here because this all hurts to write, but eventually the well fills up with bubbling liquid. After a demon pops out (fakest demon ever) of the well and drags one of the investigators to (presumably) hell, the house begins to quake and everyone flees. Most die as they are hit by flying debris and the house explodes. This is one of those films where the explosion is shown multiple times from multiple angles; clearly this was a large chunk of the budget.



This was an awful movie with a fairly decent cast including Tony Roberts (the guy from the Woody Allen movies who always calls him “Max”), a young Meg Ryan, and a young Lori Loughlin to name a few. Like all 3D movies from the early 80s the fx are terrible. I wish I could have seen this in 3D given the amount of crap they throw at the audience (one scene with a swarm of flies seemed to be particularly 3D-y). Like all of the Amityville movies, this stinks.

7 comments:

Catfreeek said...

Blah, so disappointing when you have to waste a couple of hours on a piece of crap like that. Thanks for taking one for the team.

50PageMcGee said...

i love how you say, "(see The Amityville Horror parts 1 and 2)," as if it's such a great idea for people to see them.

AC said...

i'm hearing this one is NOT so-bad-it's-good, right? just really bad?

Whirlygirl said...

Hysterical review! I've never seen any of the Amityvilles. I think Meg Ryan is so annoying. She just thinks she so precious. If she gets murdered or tortured in this film then I might consider watching it. Let me know, JPX.

JPX said...

Sadly Meg and her trout pout makes it out just fine =(

Landshark said...

Wow, I had no idea this existed.

Octopunk said...

I was planning to give you crap on the redundancy of "we (the audience)" but by the third time you said it I realized you are some kind of comic genius.

"Attacked by a frosty wind." That's funny stuff. I bet in 3D it was wicked cool. As in, I bet a penny.