Sunday, October 12, 2008
Now, horror has a brand new number.
This is the tagline of 976-EVIL, and let me tell you, it's THE perfect tagline for this movie! Three parts cheese, 1 part fake guts, and a sprinkle of really bad puns.
I happen to love cheesy 80s horror flicks -- with brutal looking outfits, motorcycles, and of course, the SWEET special effects. This flick did not disappoint.
976-EVIL starts out strong with a ringing pay phone in a dark alley.... some unknown man creeping towards it with fear on his face....who is compelled to pick up the phone only to have it burst into flames and burn him alive. Awesome!
Then we are taken into the bizarre family of Spike, his cousin Mark, and batty Aunt Lucy....who covers her sofa in plastic and has approximately 10 cats (who, incidentally, end up eating the guts out of her disemboweled stomach - hehehe).
Spike is too cool for school --motorcycle, leather jacket, smokes cigarette WHILE (NOT AFTER) having sex with his equally edgie girlfriend in a chair. Mark on the other hand, appears to have been raised and socialized by really really dorky wolves. He sports a sweater vest, kackhi pants, and worships Spike like a God. He gushes to Spike about how close they are, how they need to go get "babes" and "fight bullies" together....schyeah! The cousins also have a really neato vacuum tube in between their rooms that allows them to send little messages to each other.
Poor Mark, as might be imagined, is the school bullies' favorite face to flush in the toilet. Spike defends him, Marks a puss...yada yada yada.
So where does the EVIL come in? When Spike finds a flyer in a book for a "HORRORSCOPE". Which he decides to call.... just for shits and giggles. The evil "dark lord" on the other end sounds like a recording, and gives Spike the message, "Take what is rightly yours." Of course, Spike interprets that to mean, "Steal your crazy Aunt's cash paper," which he does.
Later on that night, Spike goes to get his motorcycle fixed, and sees a nice pair of fingerless leather gloves in the store (that cost a whopping $20, too much!). So while the bike is being worked on, he decides to call 976-EVIL, and is told, "A real man takes what he deserves!" Spike again interprets this to mean, "Steal those gloves biatch!" He goes in the store, shoves them in his pants, but then has a change of heart and puts them back. He goes back outside and (suprise) the pay phone starts ringing. Spike answers and the voice shouts, "A real man takes what he deserves!". AHHHHH IT'S EVIL!
At the same time, doofus Mark is snooping around Spikes room, and swipes his girlfriend's panties along with the 976-EVIL flyer. Thats when all "hell breaks loose", har har. In short, Mark ends up selling his soul to the devil for the power to kick ass and get chicks. I was somewhat disappointed that he never really gets any girls, beyond having pizza with Spikes girlfriend and having a "moment" with her. He does however, get the power to kick ass in a major way. He turns into kind of a demon and goes on a murderous rampage and kills all the school bullies while they are playing poker together.
Best scene: Mark walks into the poker room with shades on and blood all over his sweater vest, and presents two still-beating hearts to the remaining bullies.
I don't want to spoil the end, but as I alluded to, Mark goes on to feed aunt Lucy to her cats, a detail that I personally appreciated. Later the gates of hell open up, there are some more sweet special effects, and an ending that leaves a big ripe opening for a sequel, of which there is.
976-EVIL is the perfect horror movie to watch with people that are scared of real horror movies for some laugh out loud good times. Watching it alone would probably be boring.