(2011) *****
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| KISS my math! |
I waltzed into Horrorthon with the idea of reviewing Mel Gibson's Apocalypto to discuss indigenous rights, global imperialism and cultural homogenization as an aspect of horror.
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| even the film is an example of cultural imperialism |
BUT!
After much contemplation and a thorough interpretation/analysis of the rules of H-Thon, I decided against it. In determining what makes the horror movie genre work so well, I concluded that there's a difference between the Scary and the Horrifying. Paranormal forces, zombies, evil children's toys and malicious clowns are Scary – they jump out at us and make us scream, but we know they could never really exist (right?). Conversely, realities that include kidnapping, torture, rape, etc. are Horrifying to me because they are tangible; I know that people experience it outside of a movie set, and some encounter it on a frequent basis. The movies I enjoyed least this year had more to do with the harsh realities they depicted than their message. Why am I telling you this?? Because the most difficult and least enjoyable movie I watched this year happened to be an undisputed favorite among H-Thon bloggers.
Martyrs is the type of movie you tell someone to watch “if you wanna see some fucked-up shit,” knowing full well they'll take your word for it, watch it, then never speak to you again (well maybe that last part isn't quite true). Even though it was mentally and emotionally draining to compose a coherent review and publish it for all to see, I'm glad that I didn't wait until the end to post it because I wouldn't want to end on a sour, joyless note. Blood Harvest embodied the level of escapism that I wanted to experience during the month of October and then Martyrs yanked me back into a world o' hurt that I'd wanted to [temporarily] forget. I have to thank JSP for being the type of person who compulsively composes lists of music, books, etc.; he had a post-Martyrs lineup that helped bring me out of a depressed mood. Watching Re-Animator after that might have been the most awkward segue yet, but it kept me going.
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| Who's going to argue with a decapitated-but-living head? Answer: NO BODY! |
Before I begin the actual “wrap-up” part of my Wrap-Up, I wanted to share some number-crunching I did while hearing about the legendary Catfreeek's horrorthon-thon. I'll admit that I can't imagine watching more than an average of one movie per day in any given month, and this year Abduscias almost hit the 100 mark! Cat came in a close second with 92 – but let's see if they're not actually falling short of their true potential (if I had a mustache I would be stroking it thoughtfully right now):
24 hours per day – 6 hours (sleep) – 2 hours (eat, shit, write reviews) = 16 hrs per day to watch movies.
Assuming the average horror movie is 2 hours, this allows (8 movies/day) x (31 days/Oct) = 248 movies!
Following the 2 reviews per day limit means that, after the month of October, you would still have to publish 176 reviews (248 – 2[31] = 176). Everyone knows 176 = 16 x 11, so to be sure you make the deadline you can either publish 16 reviews per day for 11 days OR 11 reviews per day for the next 16 days.
To conclude this report, I give my best to Catfreeek and Abs – you're off to a good start, kids!
NOW, without further ado, here are my top categories for My First Horrorthon Wrap-Up:
Favorite Movie: Rosemary's Baby
Hidden Gem: 100 Tears
Worst: We All Scream for Ice Cream
Watching this movie was like pulling teeth; writing the review was like putting them back in, backwards and upside down.
So Bad It's Good:
(None. If they were just bad, they stayed bad. I wouldn't even credit Blood Harvest with this special title because it was predictable, forgettable and JSP seeks to perfect his Tiny Tim impression every time we're together in public. Maybe next year?)
Most Disturbing: Martyrs
I'd be crazy not to mention it somewhere. Even though I didn't want to publish it because I knew it'd be contrary to what everyone else has said about it, I'm happy to stand by my view and even happier that everyone was willing to read and accept my different opinion.
Goriest: Human Centipede 2 [Full Sequence]
Made even more entertaining to watch with JSP and 50P! Thanks for a memorable night guys.
Scariest: Insidious
I actually had to call JSP away from folding laundry to sit next to me. I think I gave him an Indian Burn from my fear.
Memorable Death: The Wickerman (Wickerpersyn)
Why, Sgt. Howie, of course! I always like seeing religious stiffies get stiffed.
Best Lookin' Monster: The Man with Fire on his Face from Insidious!
Avoidable Death: Torment
Right before R gets murdered with his own barstool, L could have easily said, “omfg babe look behind you!” But noooooooooooooooo... I think she wanted him to die.
Funniest: Re-Animator
By a long shot, too -- I almost tied this one up with Teeth because I enjoyed it as a work of satire; but Re-Animator just holds up better to a diverse audience as something equally creepy, crazy, and totally laughable.
10 comments:
I believe your low rating of Martyrs brings up an age-old question on Horrorthon; are you saying that it is a one star rating because it’s not good horror or because you personally didn’t like the message? I think it’s interesting that you give Human Centipede 2 such praise, which one might argue is equally disturbing. I’ve often thought we should have a duel rating system; (1) how does it rate as a horror movie? (2) how much did you like watching it? I think that would get too confusing but you understand what I mean. While I never intend to watch Martyrs again I would give it a solid 4 or 5 stars as a “horror” movie. When I rate my movies I try to rate them purely as horror (i.e. are they effective in scaring or bothering me?). This isn’t a criticism; it’s just an issue that seems to crop up annually and there doesn’t appear to be anyway around it.
I think the key difference between Martyrs and Human Centipede 2 is that the violence and gore in HC2 is amped up to the point of near cartoonishness. There isn't a trace of humor to be found in Martyrs. I don't think I'll watch it again for at least another decade but I just love Martin!
Anyway nice wrap up Crystal and thanks for coming along for the ride with the clown movies. You reviewed 5 and I think you watched a couple more. (Didn't we watch It together?
You've inspired me to post write my own wrap up! Also I'm happy you appreciated Re-Animator and the Wicker Man.
JPX, you definitely have a valid point. I agree that overall, movies, regardless of the genre, should be rated based upon a certain degree of aesthetic quality, directing, writing, and acting abilities. In that degree I'll concede that Martyrs is a high-ranking film.
However, there is another quality that makes a movie good or bad in our respective opinions. I know JSP has spoken many times of the "pipe in the ass" factor that he and others consider and it is completely objective, differs from person to person, and devoid of anything you could measure empirically. The reason why it is given any exposure is because of the satisfying feeling one gets. For me, Martyrs had the opposite effect and I couldn't let it go without saying something -- perhaps I could have called it the "pipe in MY ass" factor?
I think at some point in October you acknowledged in a posting that reviews are objective, and everyone's definition of horror is different. Reading that gave me the assurance that my views CAN deviate from the popular opinion that something is great (or that something sucks) and it wouldn't "count against" me. I tried conveying this in my review and wrap-up that it was just as horrifying for me to watch as anyone else, but I don't think I could live with myself if I gave something that made me feel so rotten and depressed a higher rating. That'd convey other people should watch it, and I don't know anyone outside of the Horrorthon circle of peeps that I'd recommend it to. I might concede that it was well-made, directed, acted, etc. but I would also feel terribly stoic in doing so.
I didn't mean to get all deep, but I think that regardless of one's endeavors in life, one's personal opinions and personal agenda are going to shine through. This is all.
Way to go Crystal, you trumped JSP on the wrap up! As for 248 films in a month, Tony would have to take me out back and put me down afterwards. I did 110 in 2008 and that nearly put me in a straight jacket.
Great first year, welcome to the madness, I look forward to reading some great entries from you when the caption contest continues in the near future.
Crystal, I think you've sufficiently defended your take on Martyrs in your original review as well as your comments on this post. I'm not just saying that because [insert mushy stuff here]. You drew a valid line in the sand and offered a welcome counterpoint.
I stand by my ***** rating because the movie is so powerful and it shook me to my core (twice!), albeit in a painful, depressing way. As you mentioned, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't an extreme horror aficionado.
JPX - I have been wishing you'd officially review Martyrs for 2 years now! I want to know exactly where you stand. Same goes for Octopunk, 50 Page and everyone else!
Loved, loved, loved reading your reviews this year, Crystal! It is an important/intimidating chasm to hurdle - the posting of a review that differs in opinion to the "forefathers". But, it is in those kinds of posts that show (again) what a cool and fun bunch of people we have collected here. For not only are differences of opinion welcomed, they generate such great discussion.
I, personally, will never watch Martyrs. I wouldn't have before reading what you had to say about it and your review solidified that for me - this just isn't something I want to watch.
Excellent job, always fun to welcome someone new to the group!
Great Wrap-Up!
I, personally loved Martyrs! I get a kick out of movies that make me feel sick and stick in my mind-I had to buy that one!
I just want to add that I'm a big fan of the "Pipe in MY ass" factor. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning and The Strangers are great examples of unsatisfying payoffs (though I admittedly like both movies).
Also I liked the way the yellow lettering looked in this post so I adopted that in my wrap up.
I agree with everybody! As JPX points out, the star rating system is oversimplified, but I've always kind of liked it. You rate your experience, pure and simple (like Crystal did). But I only like it because then you can refine what you're talking about with a review, and the best result is when the thing that comes across to the readers is a little of you.
I will someday review Martyrs. But I'll have to watch it again.
Crystal, yours is an amazing new voice to have on the blog and I loved reading every one of your reviews. That was an excellent first foray into our battlefield, although I also wish you'd scooped JSP by one.
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