Saturn 3

1980 ***

After the pointless slog that was Blood Beach I tossed this in the VCR, having heard of it only thanks to a Playboy piece about it back when it came out. To my delight, it turned out to be a highly entertaining bit of sci-fi silliness. Oh 1980, I can't stay mad at you!

Kirk Douglas and Farah Fawcett live in an underground hydroponic research station on one of Saturn's moons, which is different from a groovy outer space love lounge for reasons that will come to me shortly. Harvey Keitel shows up with a bunch of attitude and a big, goofy robot. Inside the robot goes a transparent pony keg full of organic brain, which Harvey programs by plugging in his own brain. This is a problem because Harvey Keitel is murderously insane, and the mighty, unstoppable but very slow robot follows suit. (We know he's a nut because the movie opens with him blowing the guy who actually has the Saturn 3 assignment out of an airlock, and then taking his place. Oh, note to that guy: maybe don't say things like "So, you failed the mental?" to the other guy who wanted your job, especially if you're both in a room with an airlock and he's wearing a pressure suit.)

I recall the Playboy article talking up the robot's scariness by saying it was eight feet tall and "headless," but that last part is wrong. He's got a tiny binocular head on a super long neck, and I suppose the closeups of it moving here and there looking at stuff are supposed to convey a cold, calculating intelligence. What it looks like instead is an adorable Johnny 5 remote-controlled novelty item. And if you think that's not scary, wait until you watch the mechanical monstrosity amble slowly down a hallway, arms flopping to and fro. Now that's not scary.


While Saturn 3 has a very small cast and a remote setting, the screenplay bravely tries to assemble a cohesive idea for what the prevailing futuristic climate is, with some rather slapdash results. Earth is discussed as a cold-hearted, polluted place with large-scale food shortages and laws against having sex with just one partner, and yet Kirk Douglas keeps encouraging Farrah to go there. Saturn 3 is described as the... well, not the asshole of the solar system, but as the entry point for the solar system's enema -- but I don't get is how a place where only two people live can have a system-wide reputation. While we're at it, why build a robot with huge, hydraulic knife-fingers anyway?

Trust me, it's best to let these questions flow over you. Just sit back and let the hilariously klutzy production design take you in its arms. Marvel at how this was released the same year as The Empire Strikes Back. Wonder at the array of outfits Farrah brought with her to wear around the moonbase -- are those leather pants? Bask in the brief glow of Farrah's right boob, which was a total surprise for me; I was unaware she ever showed that much skin.


While on the subject of skin, you also get an eyeful of Kirk Douglas's butt, as Harvey mouths off at the wrong time and gets himself some naked Kirk D whoopass. Hilariously, Farrah breaks up the fight by pulling Kirk's hair, which just makes him look surprised.

I'm giving this three stars because I think it's fun to watch, but believe me, it's bad. It's cornball, it's not scary, it's silly. But it's bad in this strange way that's almost, dare I say... good?