Thursday, October 27, 2011

13 Hours in a Warehouse

(2008) **

When five thieves score a big theft at an art gallery, they decide to spend the night in a warehouse waiting for a buyer the following morning. The warehouse belongs to two of the men, who are brothers, and it is apparently the site where their father shot porn films (you can already tell these are very wholesome people). In the meantime, strange numbers appear written on the wall in blood, they take a female hostage named Jennifer, and have terribly generic “discussions” about why Robin Williams is the funniest man on earth (they're really just espousing generic knowledge that anyone would know but doesn't really illustrate their respective opinions).

The plot thickens as an obviously dead female figure frees Jennifer (though she doesn't immediately leave the warehouse for unexplained reasons) and individual thieves plot against each other like another juicy episode of Survivor
You've been voted off of Toilet Island.
When the boys' macho attitude escalates it results in one of the most predictable scenes where each gets his turn to declare, “Ok, just calm down and we'll talk this over” (with exaggerated hand waves). By the end of the scene each man has a gun pointed at another: “If you don't put your gun down I'll blow your brains out” – “If you shoot him I'll put a bullet in your head so fast. . .” *rolls eyes* 
These numbers confuse and enrage me!
Once the boys are done playing with their guns they resume the search for the elusive Jennifer and encounter two more dead women who sometimes appear real and sometimes appear delayed in static as if they are being projected on a television. When it's revealed how the women died in the warehouse the movie stops being scary – not that it was, really – and you start rooting for them (not that I was rooting for the misogynist, macho thieves in the first place). The ending is rushed, and the mid-western accents (or Canadian?) accents of the main characters takes off any tough edge they'd been establishing in this 90-minute film.
To summarize: I wouldn't recommend it but I wouldn't stop you from watching it. The effects are decent and the story offers something as far as creativity and atmosphere, but whether it's of any value to you is questionable.


JPX said...

First of all, I always feel badly for anyone who gets killed while on the toilet. That would be like killing someone right before they are about to consume a large steak (or substitute the vegan equivalent - a shoe?).

Second of all, I love this,

"and have terribly generic “discussions” about why Robin Williams is the funniest man on earth (they're really just espousing generic knowledge that anyone would know but doesn't really illustrate their respective opinions)."

Excellent observation! I like Robin Williams the actor, I can't stand his manic comedy.

Crystal Math said...

JPX -- I, too, commiserate with people who die on the toilet. Not only does it make one hesitate to ever use facilities again, but it's also not very glorious for one's obituary.

I'm not a Robin Williams expert but I loved him in One Hour Photo.

(Also I think you need to broaden your culinary tastes to include fruits, vegetables and grains, but we can have this discussion another time.)

Trevor (Tami's friend) said...

The picture of the dead girl with gag looks pretty cool. Otherwise, the guys just seem annoying.

Nice captions too.

JPX said...

I met Robin Williams once when he was filming Good Will Hunuting. He was manic even then. I remember that he was very short, very hairy, and he had the worst BO I've ever smelled. He seemed nice though.

Love One Hour Photo.

Catfreeek said...

Hey, Elvis died on the toilet you know.

Nice find even if it's a little sub par, love the pictures.

Crystal Math said...

Catfreeek I really liked the makeup/props/effects. It was just lacking in solid characters, dialog, etc.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Nice unexpected review Crystal! I feel like I know everything I need to know about this movie.

Octopunk said...

Agreed! That was fun to read but it also brought out the movie's tediousness.

"A shoe?" JPX, you're hilarious.

I think the worst thing about dying on the toilet is being found with your pants around your ankles. In a similar vein, I sometimes think about someone who gets in a car accident when they really have to pee. As in "I'm in terrible agony from this compound fracture, and now I'm going to pee in my pants while I'm trapped here. What a ridiculous element of humilation and discomfort to add to an already horrible situation."

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Octo, your hypothetical scenario made me depressed. Now I'm going to make sure to go pee before any long car ride.

Octopunk said...

Well, that's just a good idea anyway.

50PageMcGee said...

I'd think the worst thing about dying on the toilet would be the sense of incompletion to your life. I mean, going off the premise of Jacob's Ladder hell is for people who feel like they've left things unfinished, Mother Theresa could have died mid-poop — by definition, she'd have gone straight to hell.