Sorority Row

(2009)**

Six sorority sisters from Theta Pi attempt to play a trick on the jerky ex-boyfriend of one of their house members. The gag? In a complicated set-up, the 6 convince jerky ex-boyfriend that he accidentally killed his ex. The purpose of all this is to record his angst for fun, you see. The prank goes horribly wrong, of course, and the sorority sister is actually killed. In one of those bad horror movie-only decisions, the 6 biotches and ex-boyfriend enter a pact to dispose of the body and all agree never to speak of the incident again. Eight months later it is graduation day and all involved receive cryptic text messages suggesting that someone knows about their crime. Soon a hooded mystery person is killing the sisters off one-by-one. Will he/she be stopped in time before all perish?


Why would anyone want to kill us?

In this umpteenth rip off of Lois Duncan’s novel “I Know What You Did Last Summer”, horrible people are killed and the world is better off. One of the major problems with this House on Sorority Row (1983) remake is that the sorority sisters are simply unlikable, which makes their eventual deaths something to cheer about rather than mourn. When one of the bitchiest characters had a poker shoved down her throat I loudly exclaimed, “Good!” You can’t help but wonder why anyone would want to be a part of Theta Pi given their awful treatment of one another. The film is only memorable because it marks Rumer Willis’ film debut. Rumer does an adequate job but unfortunately she looks like someone took her mother’s face and stretched it like Silly Putty. She also inherited her mother’s scratchy voice, which I hate because it made me clear my throat whenever she spoke. Carrie Fisher also appears as the house den mother and she looks just awful.


Uh, no Carrie, that's okay, I change my mind about seeing you in Jabba's slave outfit.

Trust me, you won’t care about the identity of the killer and you’ll most likely figure it out early on. Once revealed you’ll say, “Whatever” (e.g., Scream 2 and 3). There is zero suspense, numerous unoriginal deaths, and a long fiery climax with lots of unnecessary exposition. Unsurprisingly there are no cops or firefighters on hand to help out even though the action takes place on campus in the middle of a busy area. Sorority Row is a paint-by-numbers slasher film offering little to make you care. I should note that there are ample boob and underwear shots in the film, which made me bump up my review by one half star.


My mom is Demi Moore!